I have tried to make a habit of asking Jesus what my theme is for the year, or sometimes for a season. This practice has really helped me to keep focus on what is really going on in my world and what God may be revealing about himself, or about me in that time. So in May I prayed about this summer and asked God what the theme was. “Joy. Make an adventure of finding Joy.” Joy! What a great word. Joy felt good. This is going to be a great season. And it was that word in May that started this journey…
We had just come out of a fabulous women’s retreat and Mother’s Day weekend. We put our house on the market and got a full offer the first weekend. We were moving right along with what we believed God’s plan was. I could see joy all around me. This was an “easy” word.
Then the first week of June the offer fell through. Rats. ok. Set back. Not defeated, but bummed. So I decided for the sake of my sanity I would clean the house, pack everyone up and head to my moms for the weekend so we were not having to run in and out and keep the house spotless while it was showing. We are making the usual drive to Bastrop on the back highway when someone pulls out 10 feet in front of me leaving me no time to stop. We hit him at 65 miles an hour. Every air bag deployed, (did you know some cars have air bags at your feet??! Thank God!) windows shattered, smoke everywhere, car completely smashed in. After the car stopped spinning we stopped just short of a ditch and I flung myself from the car. The kids were screaming so I knew they were alive. The dog was moving so I knew she was alive. There was blood and tears and complete panic as I grabbed my children from the car. We were transported to Dell Children immediately to undergo every test that you can have since we were considered “trauma” at the speed we hit.
Let me assure you I didn’t feel joy in that moment. Yes, I was thankful we were alive, but I was in complete fear. I was 8 weeks pregnant and just slammed into multiple air bags and a seat belt. My kids were frightened as they were having x-rays and CT scans done. My family was worried as they received the news of the car accident. But I look at that day- 6 weeks later and can see the face of Jesus in so many moments through so many people. The car traveling directly behind us was a Bastrop Country Sheriff. She witnessed the entire thing and had help there within minutes. The accident happened in front of a tire store where the workers were hanging out in front. They were helping us right away and even kept the dog for us so she wasn’t taken to animal control and could get to the emergency vet clinic. We had family at the hospital before we ever even got off the ambulance. A friend went to buy us new car seats while tests were being ran and brought them to the hospital so we could go home when we were released. The workers at Dell treated me there so that I would not have to be separated from the kids. The doctor assigned to me told me his wife was in a car accident one year earlier. Their toddler was in the car and she was 8 weeks pregnant. Talk about someone who could relate. We had meals brought to us and checked up on regularly. Jesus was there in every moment and every detail. And we were all ok. We all had bumps and bruises but the air bags and seat belts spared us all. My little fighter baby is now 14 weeks along. Even the dog made it out with just a busted eye from an air bag.
But I have struggled to find the joy many times. You see even though I can look back and see the goodness, in the middle of the chaos I found myself asking over and over, “where is the joy in this Jesus?”
After the accident I never felt like we were supposed to get a new car yet. In fact I really wanted to be disobedient in those feelings and just go get one. I NEED a car. Why would Jesus not want me to have one? See I know there is this whole belief that we should do what we want because Jesus will bless it, and what is in our hearts he put there, and there is grace, and there is some truth in all of that- but let me assure you there are many, many things I WANT to do, that I should not. I would like to drink a case of beer when I am stressed out instead of dealing with it. I would like to tell people off when they make me mad instead of being kind. I would like to beat my kids when they are acting crazy. So for me, I try to ask what Jesus wants for me. Not what I want for me. (Because the answer to that is to be a professional air guitar champion) So no clearance for a car. Ok.
We ended up getting another offer on the house, and it was moving fast. We are dealing with all the insurance stuff from wreck, borrowing a car from a friend for a bit and moving from our house. Stress. That is what I felt. Not joy, stress. And so my heart moved from asking “where is the joy?” to “why did you let this happen?” I knew God told us to sell the house. And now I am about to have no car, and no home (we are building a house that will not be done for a couple of months). Why in the world would he let this happen?? And I realized in questioning God’s goodness- that my joy comes from the comfort of the world I have created, and the happiness of things going my way. The materialistic items that make me happy. They give me fabricated joy.My life working out as I plan it. That makes me happy. I like the comfort of not having to ask for help. And when you don’t have a car and have to ask for a ride, your comfort zone is gone. We moved to my mom’s for the summer. And although I love it here (because it is literally like a resort) it is not my home. And all the comfort you have with having your own things- they are gone.
So the false joy that I have from my stuff is all gone right now. And I have found joy in so many, many REAL things. In the stillness of the morning and letting my heart once again connect with Jesus. I have found joy in the beautiful land that has emerged out of the fires in Bastrop. That in devastation and destruction God has raised up beauty once again. I have found joy in sitting with my kids and laughing so hard I cry. I have found joy in the strength of my husband who is constant and always good. I have found joy in being with my mom and aunt and cooking them dinner before they come home from work. I have found joy in friendships that are so raw and real and authentic. I have found joy in watching my dog shake in fear from a 6 lb cat, but run full speed at a huge deer like its a stuffed animal.
God is after real joy in me. And he is pursing my heart to find it. Through the accident. Through the sell of our house (which closed Wednesday by the way!). Through stripping away my comfort. Through life not working out exactly how I have planned, but how He has planned. The scripture I say over and over is “The joy of the Lord is my strength.” And I want nothing more than to be stronger with each day.
