My Aunt Maria is one of the funniest people I know. At 64 years young, she is so adventurous and full of life. There are often times she makes me laugh to the point of tears. I don't know why I don't share more stories that involve her, so everyone can benefit from her humor. So I am going to share 2 of my favorite Maria stories for now. There will be plenty more to come.
Scene 1:
Headed out to spend the day at the park with the family. It is Summer in Texas so we know its going to be hot and sunny. Maria is going to ride with me in my car but said she needed to get something out of her car first. After a few minutes she comes over to jump in the back seat and says "I forgot my sunglasses at home, so I'm just going to wear these." I start to turn to look at her thinking that she will be wearing a hat, or maybe even some crazy shades just to get by, but instead I see that she is wearing 3D sunglasses that she got at the movies.
Scene 2:
My brother Chris is a gun guy. He loves to teach people about guns, how to shoot, safety, etc. As we are all having lunch one day at my house Chris starts to tell us how he wants to do a class for just our family to teach us basic gun safety. Maria chimes in and says. "I don't need to know how to shoot a gun because I would never buy a gun." She pauses, then continues "Well, I guess I should learn about how to shoot it just in case I ever FIND a gun." I start to ask her where in the world she is hanging out that she would have the potential to find a gun, but she starts up again... " Or I guess if someone came at me with a gun and I overpowered them, I would need to know how to shoot after that."
Not sure what goes on in that ladies head, but I sure do love it.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Friday, July 22, 2011
Survivor: Galveston Island
The Beach. A place to relax, catch some sun and not have a care in the world....
We arrived at our hotel in the early afternoon Sunday. We could not wait to get in the water so we changed as soon as we got there, and headed downstairs. We looked over the brown bath water that we call a beach in Texas with excitement. After lathering up with sun block (now in our late 20's Caitlin and I have traded in the baby oil for SPF5000) we went leaping into the water.
The waves were pretty strong so my mom, Rafi and aunt Linda stayed playing in the sand while Caitlin, my aunt Maria and myself took our floats and headed to the deep water. After only a couple of minutes in, I start to feel a little itchy. I thought it was a tag on my swimsuit so I moved it out of the way. No luck. I started to see all of this plant stuff in the water so I thought it must be that. I started moving it away, and still- no relief. Finally I look over at Caitlin and say "Hey- I'm really itching. Are you itching?" She says yes. Thinking we are going crazy we yell over at Maria.
"Hey Maria- are you itching?" As she looks over she is already scratching and assures us that its only in her shorts that she is itching. So that of course makes us feel better.
We immediately start running out of the water. As we get to the shore Caitlin pulls something off her leg that is a small blob with a dot on it. We now know something is in our swim suites and start freaking out. The only thing we have to rinse off with is ice cold water which is now being poured down our swim suites as we jump around screaming.
Upon research we realize we have been "attacked" by sea lice. YES, Sea Lice. These are jelly fish larvae and are abundant in warm beaches from April-August. Are you freaking kidding me. Sea lice. Who the heck gets sea lice. I had never even heard of this and I have been in Texas Beaches my whole life.
Needless to say after the itching had been washed away, we make the easy decision to not get back in the water. We will stick to laying out in the sand. I was sitting with Rafi digging a sand castle and trying to get over the sea lice situation when all of a sudden something hits my leg. I look down to find a 1 foot snake jumping around in my lap. In a split second I am screaming, throwing the snake away and running with Rafi to get away from it. Ok- now, how in the world did a snake end up in my lap?!? A seagull. Yes, a kind seagull who I suppose felt that I needed a gift after being infested with sea lice, dropped a snake out of the sky onto my lap.
So, now we have sea lice and snake- beach is over! We go to our hotel, burn our skin in hot water to make sure everything is dead and walk down the Sea Wall to go to an uneventful dinner. After lots of laughter and stories we are walking back to our hotel when suddenly this group of kids come speeding past us on bicycles. We hear some shouting, turn around and see a fight has broken out right behind us. My mom and Linda start running toward us to get out of the way, just as we see my Aunt Maria inching closer to the fight. Not sure if she was trying to get a better look or maybe throw some money in for a bet, but she was right in the action. After screaming (theme of the trip) at her, she finally gets over to us and we watch these kids go Street Fighter on each other. And I mean that literally. Traffic was swerving around them as they threw punches at each other in the middle of the busy street. Finally some guys run out to stop them, and then the police.
Realizing that nothing else we could do would top our triple threat of sea lice, snakes and UFC fighting, we called it a night, and in our world "a successful vacation."
We arrived at our hotel in the early afternoon Sunday. We could not wait to get in the water so we changed as soon as we got there, and headed downstairs. We looked over the brown bath water that we call a beach in Texas with excitement. After lathering up with sun block (now in our late 20's Caitlin and I have traded in the baby oil for SPF5000) we went leaping into the water.
The waves were pretty strong so my mom, Rafi and aunt Linda stayed playing in the sand while Caitlin, my aunt Maria and myself took our floats and headed to the deep water. After only a couple of minutes in, I start to feel a little itchy. I thought it was a tag on my swimsuit so I moved it out of the way. No luck. I started to see all of this plant stuff in the water so I thought it must be that. I started moving it away, and still- no relief. Finally I look over at Caitlin and say "Hey- I'm really itching. Are you itching?" She says yes. Thinking we are going crazy we yell over at Maria.
"Hey Maria- are you itching?" As she looks over she is already scratching and assures us that its only in her shorts that she is itching. So that of course makes us feel better.
We immediately start running out of the water. As we get to the shore Caitlin pulls something off her leg that is a small blob with a dot on it. We now know something is in our swim suites and start freaking out. The only thing we have to rinse off with is ice cold water which is now being poured down our swim suites as we jump around screaming.
Upon research we realize we have been "attacked" by sea lice. YES, Sea Lice. These are jelly fish larvae and are abundant in warm beaches from April-August. Are you freaking kidding me. Sea lice. Who the heck gets sea lice. I had never even heard of this and I have been in Texas Beaches my whole life.
Needless to say after the itching had been washed away, we make the easy decision to not get back in the water. We will stick to laying out in the sand. I was sitting with Rafi digging a sand castle and trying to get over the sea lice situation when all of a sudden something hits my leg. I look down to find a 1 foot snake jumping around in my lap. In a split second I am screaming, throwing the snake away and running with Rafi to get away from it. Ok- now, how in the world did a snake end up in my lap?!? A seagull. Yes, a kind seagull who I suppose felt that I needed a gift after being infested with sea lice, dropped a snake out of the sky onto my lap.
So, now we have sea lice and snake- beach is over! We go to our hotel, burn our skin in hot water to make sure everything is dead and walk down the Sea Wall to go to an uneventful dinner. After lots of laughter and stories we are walking back to our hotel when suddenly this group of kids come speeding past us on bicycles. We hear some shouting, turn around and see a fight has broken out right behind us. My mom and Linda start running toward us to get out of the way, just as we see my Aunt Maria inching closer to the fight. Not sure if she was trying to get a better look or maybe throw some money in for a bet, but she was right in the action. After screaming (theme of the trip) at her, she finally gets over to us and we watch these kids go Street Fighter on each other. And I mean that literally. Traffic was swerving around them as they threw punches at each other in the middle of the busy street. Finally some guys run out to stop them, and then the police.
Realizing that nothing else we could do would top our triple threat of sea lice, snakes and UFC fighting, we called it a night, and in our world "a successful vacation."
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| My favorite sign in Galveston |
Monday, July 4, 2011
The Interpretation of Dreams
This is the dream I had today...
-I was in a Chinese Prison.
-My "cell mate" was a super sweet Zombie who was really scared of me.
-When the guards were angry, they would release a sea creature to chase after us and try and sting us. It looked just like Patrick on Sponge Bob Square Pants, except with an angry face.
-I woke up each day with no memory of the day before. So each morning I would scream in fear and the Zombie would sit across the room and explain where I was.
Ummmm.... WHAT?!?
Take that Sigmund Freud!
-I was in a Chinese Prison.
-My "cell mate" was a super sweet Zombie who was really scared of me.
-When the guards were angry, they would release a sea creature to chase after us and try and sting us. It looked just like Patrick on Sponge Bob Square Pants, except with an angry face.
-I woke up each day with no memory of the day before. So each morning I would scream in fear and the Zombie would sit across the room and explain where I was.
Ummmm.... WHAT?!?
Take that Sigmund Freud!
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
My Problem Child
Just when I thought my neighbors couldn't hate me anymore- Izzy proves that anything is possible...
Izzy, as many of you know is my very large, very sweet and very unstable 3 year old boxer. At times I believe that she may be my very best friend in the world. And other times I daydream there is a famine in the land and I have to use her as survival food. I have said from the day I brought Rafi home, I would have assumed that kids were hard if I had never had Iz, but after a few years with her, a baby was a breeze!
A few weeks ago we had my family over for a casual weekend hang out. We are mexican so this means there are like 30 people who just showed up randomly to kick it. In the middle of the afternoon we all decide we are going to head out to Pflugerville lake and swim, bike, run- just get out and enjoy the sunshine.
As a few of us are headed out the front door, Izzy is still roaming the house. Nobody is paying attention to the fact that my neighbor is walking past our house with his very small, well manicured dog in tow. I mean really well manicured. Like pink bow in the front of her hair type manicure.
Izzy, who usually misses large pieces of food that you are throwing right at her, somehow sees this dog. She pushes through the opened door and charges at the man and his dog. My neighbor who I have only waved to in passing is now standing in my yard, screaming. High pitched freak out screaming. I see a whirlwind of hair, pink bow included, flash past my face. My neighbor has his dog flying in the air by its leash, twirling in circles, screaming.
I imagine that the little dog looked like the best interactive chew toy ever to Izzy, who of course was in a full circle sprint, leaping in the air trying to get the dog.
Finally my nephew runs out and grabs Izzy, picking her up like a harmless baby and carries her into the house. I tried to play it off with my neighbor like Izzy was worried about the safety of the dog because maybe she thought he was choking it. My lame attempts at humor were met with a very unhappy face and mumbling under his breath.
At that point I decide it is best to look at the ground and walk as fast as I could to my car, and speed away.
Guess I won't be getting neighbor of the month... again...
Izzy, as many of you know is my very large, very sweet and very unstable 3 year old boxer. At times I believe that she may be my very best friend in the world. And other times I daydream there is a famine in the land and I have to use her as survival food. I have said from the day I brought Rafi home, I would have assumed that kids were hard if I had never had Iz, but after a few years with her, a baby was a breeze!
A few weeks ago we had my family over for a casual weekend hang out. We are mexican so this means there are like 30 people who just showed up randomly to kick it. In the middle of the afternoon we all decide we are going to head out to Pflugerville lake and swim, bike, run- just get out and enjoy the sunshine.
As a few of us are headed out the front door, Izzy is still roaming the house. Nobody is paying attention to the fact that my neighbor is walking past our house with his very small, well manicured dog in tow. I mean really well manicured. Like pink bow in the front of her hair type manicure.
Izzy, who usually misses large pieces of food that you are throwing right at her, somehow sees this dog. She pushes through the opened door and charges at the man and his dog. My neighbor who I have only waved to in passing is now standing in my yard, screaming. High pitched freak out screaming. I see a whirlwind of hair, pink bow included, flash past my face. My neighbor has his dog flying in the air by its leash, twirling in circles, screaming.
I imagine that the little dog looked like the best interactive chew toy ever to Izzy, who of course was in a full circle sprint, leaping in the air trying to get the dog.
Finally my nephew runs out and grabs Izzy, picking her up like a harmless baby and carries her into the house. I tried to play it off with my neighbor like Izzy was worried about the safety of the dog because maybe she thought he was choking it. My lame attempts at humor were met with a very unhappy face and mumbling under his breath.
At that point I decide it is best to look at the ground and walk as fast as I could to my car, and speed away.
Guess I won't be getting neighbor of the month... again...
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
No Hablo Espanol
After grabbing my sweet bread I sat down at a table with Rafi and was minding my own business, when this older white man comes over to me. He starts talking to Rafi and saying hello, telling her she is cute, nothing out of the ordinary when people see babies. Then he starts telling her she has really big beautiful eyes. He looks at me and says the same thing. I of course had a huge bite of bread in my mouth so I smile and nod since I couldn’t really say anything at the moment. Then he gets louder. “She has BIG Beautiful Eyes.” I start to try and say thank you, not really sure why he insists on yelling at me when he takes it up one more notch- this time with hand movements. HER (points at Rafi) EYES (points at his own) are BIG (stretches out arms). Then he starts chanting Ojos, Ojos while he points at his eyes. I start to look around, wondering what was going on, only to realize that everyone in the restaurant, other than him was hispanic. Finally it hit me- he thought I didn’t speak english, and apparently that I was also deaf.
After I recovered from the shock of it all and discovered that everyone was now staring at me, I said “Thank you, her eyes are beautiful.” I may have even tried to throw in a little country twang when I said it. He then just turned around and walked away, I suppose he was disappointed that I could not keep up the spanish conversation with him.
I guess the last few days in the sun have started to bring out my ethnic side and cover up all traces of my maiden name- Collier.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
These are a few of my LEAST favorite things
Before you proceed, let me go ahead and answer a couple of questions about this blog.
Q: Will this blog offend me?
A: Sure it might. Most things I say or write often offend people. Fair warning.
Q: Will I agree with all of the things Jessica is annoyed by?
A: No, of course you won’t. But for the purpose of this blog- your opinion will be wrong.
Q: Can I post things that I find annoying in the comments section of this blog?
A: YES! Please do. I would love to hear the things that bother you as long as they don’t conflict with any of the things that bother me. That would be really annoying.
Ok- there will probably be a part 2,3,4... to this blog. Just sharing a few with you today.
# 1- People who say “I hate drama!” I don’t find this annoying because I like drama, it is really because the people who make this statement are ALWAYS the people who are creating the drama!
# 2- People who don’t discipline their children. Let me give an example on this one. I was in the grocery store one day and this kid (about 2 1/2 yrs old) was going CRAZY in the shopping cart. He is hitting his dad, screaming in his face- total flip out. I am minding my own business trying to buy some meat when I hear the dad saying, “ I can tell by how you are acting, you are in a bad place. I will wait until you are ready to use your words so we can talk about this.” Uhhhh, what?? The kid of course, not ready to use his words, continued the madness for another couple of minutes. After realizing that I had been staring at the same package of chicken for a while because I could not even focus, I leaned over and said “Hey, it’s really cool that you want him to use his words and all, but for the sake of everyone involved- can he use his words outside?” The dad looked at me like I was crazy, and for a split second I thought I may have gone too far this time- until the lady next to me leans over and says with relief “Thank you sooo much!” Everyones style is different, I get that- but please discipline your kids in a way that it does not put a damper on me shopping, eating, getting my hair done- whatever!
# 3- When someone says “I don’t mean this in a bad way...” And then say the rudest crap ever. Seriously, the only way you mean it - is in a bad way when you start a sentence out like that. If you want to say it- then say it. Embrace the mean person that you actually are. OR write what you are thinking on Twitter. Use the # sign and then don’t put any spaces between your letters. Then you can say whatever you want and it’s not even rude anymore- in fact, it is a trend. #ithinkyoulookfatinthatskirt Oh and add a : ) that makes it totally acceptable.
Q: Will this blog offend me?
A: Sure it might. Most things I say or write often offend people. Fair warning.
Q: Will I agree with all of the things Jessica is annoyed by?
A: No, of course you won’t. But for the purpose of this blog- your opinion will be wrong.
Q: Can I post things that I find annoying in the comments section of this blog?
A: YES! Please do. I would love to hear the things that bother you as long as they don’t conflict with any of the things that bother me. That would be really annoying.
Ok- there will probably be a part 2,3,4... to this blog. Just sharing a few with you today.
# 1- People who say “I hate drama!” I don’t find this annoying because I like drama, it is really because the people who make this statement are ALWAYS the people who are creating the drama!
# 2- People who don’t discipline their children. Let me give an example on this one. I was in the grocery store one day and this kid (about 2 1/2 yrs old) was going CRAZY in the shopping cart. He is hitting his dad, screaming in his face- total flip out. I am minding my own business trying to buy some meat when I hear the dad saying, “ I can tell by how you are acting, you are in a bad place. I will wait until you are ready to use your words so we can talk about this.” Uhhhh, what?? The kid of course, not ready to use his words, continued the madness for another couple of minutes. After realizing that I had been staring at the same package of chicken for a while because I could not even focus, I leaned over and said “Hey, it’s really cool that you want him to use his words and all, but for the sake of everyone involved- can he use his words outside?” The dad looked at me like I was crazy, and for a split second I thought I may have gone too far this time- until the lady next to me leans over and says with relief “Thank you sooo much!” Everyones style is different, I get that- but please discipline your kids in a way that it does not put a damper on me shopping, eating, getting my hair done- whatever!
# 3- When someone says “I don’t mean this in a bad way...” And then say the rudest crap ever. Seriously, the only way you mean it - is in a bad way when you start a sentence out like that. If you want to say it- then say it. Embrace the mean person that you actually are. OR write what you are thinking on Twitter. Use the # sign and then don’t put any spaces between your letters. Then you can say whatever you want and it’s not even rude anymore- in fact, it is a trend. #ithinkyoulookfatinthatskirt Oh and add a : ) that makes it totally acceptable.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Flu Season
A couple of weeks ago Tonster became ill. He came home from work and slept for like 24 hours straight. As we all know I am super loving, and a natural care giver (crossing my fingers hoping I don’t get struck by lightning at the computer right now) so I was on top of giving meds, soup, and occasional comedic relief. At one point I even woke him out of a sleep to tell him that I found out who would be the new boss on The Office. I mean- tell me I’m not a great wife!
I was unaware that this sickness would cramp my style and last through the weekend so Rafi and I wanted to “let Tony rest,” so we were out and about. Upon returning home I checked in on him and asked how he was feeling. He said he was a little better and according to THAT thermometer over there, he was running a very low fever.
I went over to look at THAT thermometer he was referring to, only to find out that it was my basal thermometer. For those of you who don’t know, this is a thermometer to help you track your body temperature for Natural Family Planning... or how we refer to it in my house- getting knocked up.
After laughing at him, well- pointing and laughing, I was so happy to find out I was not the only one in this house who really embarrassing things happen to. I was also relieved to find out he was no longer running a fever, or ovulating. Great news for everyone involved.
I was unaware that this sickness would cramp my style and last through the weekend so Rafi and I wanted to “let Tony rest,” so we were out and about. Upon returning home I checked in on him and asked how he was feeling. He said he was a little better and according to THAT thermometer over there, he was running a very low fever.
I went over to look at THAT thermometer he was referring to, only to find out that it was my basal thermometer. For those of you who don’t know, this is a thermometer to help you track your body temperature for Natural Family Planning... or how we refer to it in my house- getting knocked up.
After laughing at him, well- pointing and laughing, I was so happy to find out I was not the only one in this house who really embarrassing things happen to. I was also relieved to find out he was no longer running a fever, or ovulating. Great news for everyone involved.
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