Mooning Monday

Yesterday looked a little something like this...

11:30 AM- Friend and her son over for lunch
2:30 PM- Pick up my 5 year old pal Josh from prek and take him home
4:00 PM- Babies R Us (where I ran into my cousin I had not seen in months and a friend of his I had never met)
5:00 PM-back home to fix dinner and spend a little time with Tonster.

Tony came home around 6:00 and I just so happened to be transferring a load of laundry from the washer to the dryer. We were chatting about our day and I told him about all of the above items. He then very casually says "Hey Hun, did you realize that your pants are completely torn in the back and you can see right through them?"

Obviously I did not believe him. Yet again another joke he is pulling on me to try and make me feel like an idiot. 

But of course I go ahead and check it out myself- sure enough- ripped all the way down one side. My mind immediately went to the lunch I had where I was playing on the floor with Izzy and crawling around with Rafi... Then to strolling down the halls of the preschool to pick up Josh... Then bending over to grab items while shopping at Babies R Us.

I could feel my face turning bright red from embarrassment, and I finally turned around to look at Tony hoping he would say "I'm sure nobody even noticed."  Instead he had his Iphone out to take pictures of my reaction, then lovingly says  "Gosh- I bet you really tramatized some kids today."

I have included a picture of the jeans (once removed) that will now be burned up along with any dignity I once had. 

Beware of Dora The Explorer

My Rafi Cat loves music & television, so naturally she is drawn to Dora The Explorer. I think it is a pretty good show as well because it helps teach me some Spanish words. And if you have read any of my other blogs, you know I need all the help I can get with this.

I decided instead of hoping Dora was on TV at any time of the day, I would just record an episode so I could play it whenever I needed it. So I just so happened to record the Christmas special. In this episode they sing a song about cleaning up. Each time it comes on Rafi starts clapping her hands and dancing to the song.

Since I know she likes this song, I sing it whenever she gets fussy. You know, in the car, at the grocery store, around the house- whenever.  The only thing is, I am not sure exactly  how to say the word clean up. So I just alternate between 2 words I think it might be.

After a couple weeks of singing this, Tony and I are going to bed one night and I say "Hey Hun, how do you say clean up in Spanish?" Is it REcoge or is it..." (I say the exact same word except I start it with an M) 

Suddenly, there is total silence. Since it is dark in the room I start to assume maybe he went to sleep in a matter of 2 seconds. Finally he says "uuhhhh, it is recoge. Why are you asking?" So I tell him "Well, Dora sings this song and I figured the word started with either an R or an M but I wasn't too sure. So I just keep alternating when I sing it to Rafi."

He then says "Do you have any idea what the other word means?!?" I assure him I do not. Until a minute ago I thought it could mean clean up!

He says "Jessica, that is a very vulgar word. It pretty much translates to the "F" word in spanish."

Not to feel like an idiot about the fact that I have been teaching my daughter profanity in spanish at the ripe old age of 7 months, I said "Well, Dora sure is playing it a little risky with that song! I don't know that Rafi will be allowed to watch her anymore!!"

This explains so much about the people looking at me in Walmart as I was singing the "Clean Up Song" trying to calm my unhappy child down....

It's The Funniest Time of The Year

The thing I love most about the holiday season is getting to spend time with our families. Our gatherings are a beautiful blend of love, laughter, and a dash of crazy.

My mom has a huge Christmas party every year at her house and there are always a ton of people there with a thousand different conversations going on at the same time.  One of my favorite things to do is just walk around and hear bits and pieces of each one. This year, some of the things I overheard are below. Names have not been included for obvious reasons...

- "You probably don't recognize me because I shaved off my Jesus." - in reference to his beard
- "I am on glass #3 of wine, but I can handle it." - said while dancing alone in the kitchen
- "I have a stick, I just need a weenie"- you can go where you want with that one

One of my favorite Christmas Memories was at my mom's party last year. Early in the evening I heard my cousin Christina complaining of an ear ache. Then a little later on I heard her say "I will just smoke it out." Call me stupid, but for some reason I did not put together that she was still talking about her ear when she said this. But sure enough she was. I was terrified yet intrigued as I watched her roll up a piece of newspaper go outside stick it in her ear, and watch my cousin Andrew light the other end on fire. In case you think I am making this up- I have attached a picture. (Children, do not try this at home)

I know what you are thinking "Jessica, I do this all the time to take care of my ear infections. Doctors are very overrated." Obviously my family would agree with you. Who needs antibiotics when you have newspaper and fire??

I can't help but smile as I think of how blessed I am to be with people each year that make me laugh, whether WITH them or AT them.

As you go about celebrating with friends and family this week, remember there may be someone that is just listening and observing, waiting to write on a public forum about all of the crazy things you say and do.

Wishing you all laughter and a very Merry Christmas.

Isn't It Ironic

What a week! Tony and I are redoing all of the floors downstairs and between the dust, tile breaking, furniture everywhere, 6 month old and high maintenance dog it has been very eventful around here.

Many stories could probably be told from this past week, but my favorite was an unexpected visit from my brother's friend Steven.

Let me give you a little background...

Steven is white, a plumber, thinks he is Mexican, and ultra ghetto. It is the most interesting breed I have come across in a long time.

We had to shut off the gas in the house because we had to move the stove and dryer (which were placed in a very good spot- the backyard), so my brother called Steven over to replace something on the pipes. I won't go any further with explaining as I have no real idea what he did.

Tony and Chris ran an errand and during that time Steven, who likes to go by his last name Chandler, showed up.

I come downstairs to say hello and thank him for his help. He is chatting with my brother in law, in fluent spanish- still in his work clothes, has a can of beer that is nicely wrapped in a brown paper bag in one hand and a bag of pork rinds in the other.  His top button on his shirt is slightly open and you can see the large tattoo of his wife's name "ANGEL" written across his chest.

I laugh at the irony of this. Steven Chandler AKA white guy, is having a full conversation with my brother in law, while Jessica PEREZ AKA half mexican chick-has no real idea what is being said.

Chandler said he fixed what he needed to and was going to hang out and wait for my brother who would be home in just a few minutes. There was really no place to sit downstairs so he said he would just wait on the porch.

I am sure my neighbors were LOVING us this weekend. You see, we live in a neighborhood that sort of resembles the one on Desperate Housewives. Everyone has porches with rocking chairs, white picket fences, etc. I am pretty sure Tony and I are the only non-white people on the street. I often say I think the neighbors are asking each other "Why do you think the yard people are allowed to go in and out of that house?!?"

So now we have our appliances AND furniture in the backyard, making a ton of noise cutting wood and breaking tile and Chandler sitting out on my porch drinking beer and eating pork rinds. Nice!

We chat for a couple minutes before Chris gets here. I am asking him how his kiddos are, wife, work.
He is checking out the floor and asking about the remodeling we are doing. Then he tells me how nice everything looks. He said- "Jessica, you are like one of those white ladies with all of this nice stuff. Look at that kitchen, the tile! Aye- mirrrra. Everything looks purrrooo fancccyy."


I laughed so hard. It was one of the funniest, most eye opening moments I have had. Being told by a white guy, that I was like a fancy white lady, in a slang mexican accent.

And I thought I was confused about who I was...

Random Encounters

One of the things I love most about being me, is that I have this look that tells other people "Please say something totally weird, inappropriate or stupid to me." It's just luck I guess. Not everyone is fortunate enough to have this gift so it is important that I share stories of random things that happen to me so that you can (because i know you want to) live vicariously through me.

Event One:
Place-HEB
Person-Countryfied White Lady
Category-Stupid

While shopping for Tony's birthday cake (hate to bring that up again) I decided to also buy a cookie cake for my brother in law Noel who has been out of town. I make my selection and hand to the lady behind the counter and say:

Me: can I get 'Welcome Home Noel' on this one please?
CWL: uuhhh did you say Noel?
Me: correct
CWL:(super country accent now comes out) when I write the 'E' do I need to make one of them little straight lines across it?
Me: I'm sorry- what?
CWL: Ya know, one a them little marks, like a tilted dash?
Me: mmmhh, are you talking about an accent mark?
CWL: yea
Me: I don't think so
CWL: are you sure?
Me: (in my head) not sure, but thinking if I listen to anyone it would be the white lady behind the counter who didn't know it was called an accent mark. (out loud) you know- it might have one of those "little marks," but for the sake of time let's just go with no for now.
CWL: sigh. Ok. If you say so.

Lesson: When in doubt- throw a random line over anything that even sounds Spanish.

Event Two:
Place-HEB...again
Person: Really Old Lady
Conversation: Weird

I was making my weekly grocery run and while checking out the hot deals on frozen shrimp- this really old lady comes up to my cart and starts talking to Rafi. She is telling her how cute she is and how she loves her hair, blah blah blah. Then she turns to me and says
ROL: I love this thing (she is referring to the shopping cart cover that Rafi is sitting in). We didn't have anything like this when my kids were little.
Me: oh, thank you! They do come up with some pretty cool stuff these days.
ROL: You know- now that I think about it, I don't ever remember taking my kids to the grocery store. I just left them at home by themselves.
Me:mmhh, I totally should have done that. It would have made this trip much more enjoyable.
ROL: (grabs my arm, pulls my face to hers, locks her eyes on me and firmly says) Honey- times have changed! You can't just leave your kids at home alone anymore. Do you understand?!?
Me: yes mam. Thank you for that information.

Lesson: sarcasm does NOT translate across generations. Also, old people talk louder and an entire seafood section in HEB may think you are an unfit parent if you don't watch out.

Event three:
Place- Best Friends Baby Shower
Person- Best Friends's Mom
Conversation-Inappropriate/Funny/my favorite
WARNING: if you are a male or easily offended, skip this event!

My very best friend is expecting her first baby this month. I was so excited to go to her baby shower and celebrate with her friends and family. I purchased a few items she needed (a shopping cart cover now that I think about it) and some breast feeding needs since I know she plans to go that route.

After gifts were opened, her mom and I started chatting and she said

BFM: so did you hear that I am going to be the babysitter?
Me: I did. That is so exciting!
BFM: I know. So I'm glad you bought those breast pads- Nette and I will share them.
Me:laughing
BFM: I am always teasing her that I am going to feed the baby too. She gets mad and says she better not see me putting my boobs near him!
Me: She says that now, but if it makes him stop screaming she will be sticking it in there herself!
BFM: laughing
Me: Although it may be more like powdered milk if it comes from you
Both of us- dying laughing

Lesson- none.

Operation: Surprise Birthday Party

It has been a busy few weeks around the Perez Casa. Tony's birthday is November 25th, which means this year it falls on Thanksgiving Day. Since I feel it is unfair to have to share your birthday with a major holiday, I decided we would have a party to celebrate my favorite person a few days early.

After much planning with our family to get everyone here and get Tony out of the house for a few hours I was so excited for the big moment. Lights off...door opens... lights come on and a loud shout "SURPRISE"!!! It was perfect. We spent some time eating, chatting and having fun as a family.

You can imagine how great I was feeling about myself by the time dinner was finishing up. I couldn't believe we actually pulled this party off! As I was putting candles on the delicious looking chocolate cake with chocolate icing, I was basking in my success and couldn't help but just smile.

We gather everyone around the table as I light the candles and turn the lights off for a traditional singing of Happy Birthday. The song starts and I take approximately 2 steps toward the table, when all of a sudden the cake starts to feel a bit heavy on one end. Maybe it is because of all those push ups I did yesterday that seem to be making me weak?!? Nope, that's not it- oh yea, it is because I left the base of the cake on the plastic container bottom instead of taking it off and the cake was now falling. As if it was slow motion I see the cake start to just fling forward. I hear myself scream, try to pull back, but the inevitable happens... The whole cake, with candles flickering and all, falls right on top of a poor sweet 1st grader, Jordan.

For some reason everyone stopped singing (rude) and as the light comes on- I see half of the cake is on Jordan and the other half is on the floor. Thank goodness nobody was hurt! I look down at the mess on the floor and after working with kids for so long- We went with the 5 second rule- Tony picks up the cake and it was served to the little people.

Although some would be embarrassed by this, I was even more proud of myself. A child was almost burned in my house but ended up being safe (I think that makes me a hero) and I still managed to save a whole chocolate cake (Super Hero).

I can tell you this- it was certainly a party that will not be forgotten for some time, especially by Jordan... Who I am pretty sure is set up for therapy @ 9:00 tomorrow morning.

Blast From The Past

Today was spent like any other day- grocery shopping, cleaning, eating cookies in front of the TV while I watch P90X hoping that I will somehow gain muscle. THEN- I remembered a little project I was supposed to be working on for a friend. I had to gather some photos up to send to her, and since I am the world’s worst at keeping pictures in one spot, this meant I would have to spend a full afternoon searching. I went ahead and finished watching the “Ab Ripper X,” as I didn’t want to feel like a loser, then got right on it.

While going through one of the boxes in the attic, I came across a piece of paper that I had not seen in at least 6 or 7 years. Black writing at the top of the page said: Memoirs of a Stalker!! After scanning over the list I finally remembered what this was. My cousin Caitlin and I came up with a list of songs that if a guy ever dedicated to you- it was a guarantee he was a complete psycho. 

Clearly Caitlin and I had a lot of time on our hands back then. Well, then again I am sitting here writing about this whole event which takes up plenty of time... never mind, that is neither here nor there. What is important is that I share this information. This could be the thing that saves some poor innocent girl from making a terrible mistake. I know the revealing of these songs will be life changing for you as they were for us. To categorize and rank them took skills that most people just don’t have. Without further adieu, your top 5:

5. If I was Invisible- Clay Aiken
4. If Your Not The One- Daniel Bedingfield
3. Truly, Madly, Deeply- Savage Garden
2. As Long As You Love Me- Backstreet Boys
1. Every Breath You Take- The Police

YOU ARE WELCOME!