Generosity

Every time our kids ask us about things we did when we were younger,  Tony and I laugh.  “Did y’all play x-box? Watch YouTube? Get big gifts at Christmas?”  They can barely comprehend life without videos where we are watching other people open toys <insert eye roll>, much less trying to get them to understand a life with a whole lot less stuff.  We have tried to explain to them that we both grew up without a lot of money.  We both had single moms who struggled to make ends meet financially.  We were thankful for the things we did have as they were treasures to us in a time where we had very little.  

Growing up this way has given me a deep gratefulness for the things I have now. A home.  Plenty of food in the fridge.  The ability to go on vacations.  Getting to occasionally enjoy a pedicure.  (And I do mean occasional. I like to see how long I can make that nail polish last.). And I am so glad it did.  But it also created a place in me that is filled with fear.  Fear of not having enough.  Fear of it being taken away.  Fear that one day there won’t be a home, or plenty of food.  

My cousin Caitlin always calls it a poverty mentality.  And that is so accurate.  My mind says something like “I grew up poor, I could one day be poor again, and I need to hold on to everything so tightly so that won’t happen.”  It’s terrible.  It has caused me to be very selfish at times.  Not wanting to give, out of fear I will “run out.”  

Unfortunately, my poverty mentality goes past finances.  It can consume almost every area of my life.  Not wanting to give because I perceive myself as only having enough for me. I have withheld parenting guidance because I feel like I’m just getting by sometimes as a mom. I have withheld marriage advice in seasons where Tony and I have struggled through. I have withheld grace, love, kindness, my time, and my finances.  It’s embarrassing to admit how much this mentality has affected my life.  But there is freedom in truth, right? So here is to flexing my freedom muscles. 

This past weekend I was taking my kids to a trampoline park. I was stuck at a traffic light realizing I was in the wrong lane, when I looked over to see a homeless man outside my window. My car was in the “holiday hangover” phase, filled with things to keep kids entertained as we ran around over the break. My front seat had a bunch of unopened snack packs in it for when we leave a restaurant and 4 minutes later my kids tell me they are hungry. I grabbed a handful of bags, rolled my window down and asked the man if he would like them. He took them and thanked me. Then he said “i have some clothes in a bag that are too small for me. Can I give them to you for this food?” 

I could barely get my words out. My eyes immediately were filled with tears as I said, “thank you, but I don’t need anything.”  My entire world was disrupted by his offer. This man. Begging for food. No place to live. Everything he had packed in one plastic trash bag. He still found something to offer me.  Out of his little, he still offered much.  

As I watched my kids play on the trampolines a few minutes later, I was flooded with memories where I have felt most loved.  When a friend who has a jam packed schedule sets aside time to spend with me. No phones. No rushing.  Generosity.  When someone who is financially struggling offers an open home and cooking a meal for me even though I know that meal was not factored into their budget.  Generosity.  When my husband has had a hard day but comes home and offers kindness and joy.  Generosity.  It is the antidote to my poverty mentality.  

I know so often I feel like I’m not where I “should be” in life.  So I hold back. Scrape by.  Live life with my hands clinched tight.  And maybe I am the only one who does this.  Maybe i am just writing this blog for myself and giving public permission for at least one person to say “hey, snap out of it. You have plenty to offer” when I’m trying to hide in a shell.  But my guess is, you may feel this way too.  Oh, maybe you didn’t grow up like me, so you don’t see it as poverty, but you don’t offer all of you for fear you will be truly seen.  Or you don’t get too close because you don’t want to be hurt.  Or you don’t fully trust because in the past it has been broken.   But living life with a death grip on anything you can lose, is no life at all.   

So I am challenging myself to continue to pursue generosity. To look for opportunities to give even when I don’t feel like it. Especially when i don’t feel like it. Taking the phone call. Serving in kids ministry. Offering a hand.  Opening our home.  When I feel I am crushing life or when I feel like I am stumbling through it.  Even then- I want to live generously. I am truly thankful for how directionally challenged I am somedays.  So I could end up in the wrong lane, at the right time, to receive an abundance of unexpected generosity.