Embrace

At the beginning of each year I pray and ask God what my “word” for the year is.  This is a practice that I have done over the last few years and it has proven to be extremely helpful in navigating through the year. (You can read about my Journey for Joy  from 2015)

This year’s word threw me off from the start.  EMBRACE.  Well, that doesn’t sound like fun.  I immediately thought of a physical embrace and for anyone that has known me some time- you can recall that I am certainly not a hugger.  Or I used to not be.  I am getting a bit better as God softens my heart.  I usually only like to hug if I am the initiator, and I know the person pretty well.  But just last week I saw my friend Dana and we hugged and we had a great laugh about how it wasn’t even that awkward for me.  I didn’t go in with my mouth half open like an uncomfortable first date kiss.  We were both pretty impressed with my growth. 

However, as this year has progressed I realize that is not what God had in mind.  As I mentioned in a previous blog it has been a difficult year of loss.  We lost both Tony’s dad and my grandma in just 2 weeks.  We finally felt like we could take a breath for a day after my grandma’s funeral and the kids and I were out playing in the yard one morning. They saw my neighbor and went running over to say hello and her cat had died, who of course my kids adored. (Because we won't let them have one) And it hasn’t just been through death that loss has happened. We inherited 3 chicks who all turned out to be roosters. Seriously, what are the chances?!? So between all the death we also had to get rid of 2 chickens. My kids were once again crushed. I am sure chickens may not be a hard loss for some, but when you are 6 & 4 its a pretty big deal. 

And then, yesterday,  my friend moved across the world.  My friend that has lived life alongside me, almost daily, for over 7 years.  When we met she had 2 kids and I wasn’t even pregnant with Rafi yet. Since then we have added 4 kids to the crew between us.  We have seen birth. Experienced the loss of parents and grandparents.  Have served endless hours in ministry.  Have seen many women be healed and freed.  And have experienced so much of that for ourselves.  Job changes.  House moves.  Celebrated joys.  Cried from sorrows. Ran a million miles (I should be skinnier).  Sent zillions of texts.  Hours of phone calls. You get it.  We are friends.  Really great friends.  And she has moved to Singapore.  Just for a couple years, but still, way too far and too much change than I am comfortable with. 

Now, back to my word for the year. What does embrace have to do with any of this?  Well, let me tell you what starts to happen internally to me after all this loss.  My dialogue goes something like: "Why bother loving people or investing in relationship when eventually they won't be here?  Don't get too close because this is going to end up hurting.  Life is just so much easier when you trust little, love little and do everything on your own."  (Am I the only one that occasionally has these thoughts?!?). I know deep down this isn't true, but sometimes it feels like this is the safest path to travel.  

But I have clung to that word and God has reminded me often this year that I must embrace change.  That I should love people well while I still have them.  That his plans are always better than mine, and embracing his love, grace and mercy will always lead to goodness. 

So life looks different a little over half way through the year than it did at the beginning.  We have had some loss, but we have gained much.  Since January we have moved to a new house and added a joyful baby to the family.  We are now the proud owners of 3 chickens (2 of which are not roosters-hooray).  We have made new friends, gained great neighbors and grown closer to our families. We have had a deeper understanding of God's love, provision, and plans for our lives.  

And the bonus that I didn't ever see coming was how much Tony and I would grow together through all this change.  Learning to lean on one another through the pain, joy, and adventure.  After ten years of marriage we may finally be getting this thing down! 

What does your 2016 look like so far? It's a good time to do a check and make the most out of the rest of the year. Join me in embracing goodness, kindness, joy, Jesus- and when it's not too awkward- each other. 

#KindnessMatters

Lately when I hop on Facebook I find myself channeling Dory and singing “Just keep scrolling, just keep scrolling.”  There is so much anger, arguing, and pure ridiculousness. I have seen so many debates lately from the recent killings, to the presidential candidates, to church and the afterlife. It’s insanity.  And at a time in our country where we need to come together, we spend every moment fighting about who is right and who is wrong with EVERY…SINGLE…THING. 

After getting myself worked up over some of these discussions in my own head, I had a couple thoughts I wanted to share.

First- Facebook is not the place to hash out life altering theological debates or really anything of substance.  If anyone finds a discussion thread that ends with someone saying "wow! You have totally changed my opinion through this back and forth Facebook conversation."  Please screen shot it and send to me. In the meantime I will be riding my unicorn over to fairyland. 

Second- since Facebook isn't the place for this- how do we have these discussion???  I'm glad you asked.  Back before social media, people did this crazy shit called "face to face conversations."  I know.  Sounds like a myth.  It's actually not. You know my husband and I still invite people over to our home regularly for dinner? (Gasp)  And a lot of times controversial things come up. (Double gasp)  It is so much better to discuss with someone when you can see their face and hear their tone.  I encourage everyone to give this dying practice another shot. It really helps. 

Third-what I think the world needs most right now is kindness.  And I don't mean fake kindness.  Not where we are saying hateful things but using a preface of "I am saying this in love."  No you are not!  You are saying it to prove a point without wanting to be an asshole. It's like in the south when we say "bless her heart.”  It gives us the right to say anything:  "bless her heart, she is just so fat." Really?!?  Is that a blessing??? 

So what's the best way to show kindness in these tense situations where our world is falling apart, people are being murdered, and hatred is running rampant?  How do we love each other well?  I think one of the best possible things you can do is just shut the f**** up.  Some of you are holding your breath right now after that word just popped into your brain. (by the way I said Frank- what are you thinking?)  Keep holding it.  Every time you want to talk over someone.  Every time you want to drill your point in and not let them speak.  Every time you think you know how someone else is feeling.  Every time you want to reply back to someones status on Facebook for the sake of arguing.  Think of that word and shut your mouth.  

I am not saying we shouldn’t discuss things. It is the only way we can start to make a better world.  But in order for us to really have these discussions, someone has to talk and someone has to listen.  We need to know each others stories.  If you knew mine, you would know why I care so deeply about community, living out of the truest parts of who you are, and the deep desire to bring joy into every day. If I knew yours I would understand why you have the opinions you do, believe in the things you do, celebrate the things you do.  But you wont know about me if you are always blabbing. And I won’t know about you if I am.  So let’s all do each other a favor and give someone a turn to talk.  And let’s listen to them.  Really listen.  Not sit and wait for your chance to tell them (or type out) why they are wrong.  

Finally- it is occasionally better to be kind, than to prove you’re right. 

Goodness

Tony and I have a conversation that is on repeat every time we decide to watch a movie together. It goes like this:

Tony: “Hey, what movie do you want to fall asleep to?” (Because I NEVER stay awake) 

Me: “Whatever, as long as it is funny.”

Seriously, every.single.time. 

If there is some depth to it, I am normally out. Hurt, pain, death… nope. Not me. I would just as soon throw on an episode of Modern Family I have seen a dozen times and laugh. Who wants to watch people crying on the screen. Blah. I am getting ill thinking about it. 

We were with friends last weekend and it was really comical to talk this out. Me explaining my serious desire to laugh and being so turned off by the thought of watching any kind of drama. 

So much so that I can barely relate to other people with movies because unless it is funny or a kids movie, I probably have not seen it. 

But here is the deal. We live in a world that is soooooo f-ing depressing. You turn the news on (which FYI- I try not to EVER do that) it is all horrible. Radio- depressing. Facebook- OH my Lord. Every single thing that can go wrong, its trending. The other night I couldn’t sleep and in a matter of 5 minutes on Facebook I saw- A man was killed by a bear riding his bike, the Texas and Florida beaches are filled with flesh eating bacteria, and a mom in Texas shot her 2 girls in the front yard and killed them in front of their dad. 

What thaaaaa haaaeelllll… Y’all. It’s just so hard out there. BUT- I think it’s always been this hard. It’s just that all news is reported now and so everything is in our face. And it feels overwhelming. And occasionally, I don’t want to shock anyone, but sometimes things are a bit exaggerated. 

Think about the last month. Kid falls in Gorilla Enclosure and everyone is an expert on gorillas and parenting. A child dies at Disney and everyone is an expert on alligators, proper signage at theme parks, and again- parenting. I read about the man who was killed by a bear and you guessed it- everyone was an expert on bears- and mountain biking. In all of these scenarios, through traditional and social media, everyone just seemed really angry on all sides. And what gives? People lost their lives. Do we not just feel sadness for them? For their families? 

It just seems that we are so inundated with negative information we have become cold to the fact that people matter. Their lives matter. And we have truly lost the fact that there is still so much good in this world. 

Our last month has been a complete shit fest. My father in law became ill after a surgery and after 2 weeks of fighting off multiple infections he ended up passing away. The following week as we prepared for his celebration which would be at our house, my dad called to tell me my grandma was in the hospital and not expected to make it. She passed the following week. 

BUT, here is what else happened over the last month. We had so many calls, cards, text messages and visits from people letting us know they were thinking of us and praying for us. We had friends come and help me clean the house so it would be ready for my father in laws celebration. We had people bring tables, chairs, and shade structures so we could accommodate 50 people at our house with 6 days notice. I had friends take my kids for the day so I could go grocery shopping and to the gym for 1 hour of sanity in all of this. We had people come and serve our guests and clean up after so that we didn’t have to worry about anything. At my grandma’s funeral I got to see all my aunts and uncles pull together to support one another. There were tears but there was lots of laughter. There were great stories told. So many hugs that even I gave in and handed a few out. And so much joy. Joy to be with family. Joy to be connected to others. Joy to stop for a moment and reminisce and laugh. Joy in knowing that life does not end here, but that their stories are just beginning. 

There is much good in the world because there are lots of good people in the world. I have seen it over the last month in my friends and family. I know there are times it can be hard to spot. Sometimes the world does seem all bad. But we have to make a choice in those times to find the goodness. Look at the faces of your children and you will see it. 

So occasionally skip over the drama and action films and pick Anchorman, Old School or Pitch Perfect. Set yourself up for a successful day of laughter and then go tackle the world. It looks like a much better place after you have laughed for 2 hours. And then share all that joy with others. I am still on a naive path of believing that laughter, kindness and joy can change the world- one person at a time. 

The Beauty of Inclusion

“My friends list is full right now so unless someone drops off- I can’t take anyone else on.” - Me

Yes. I just quoted myself. I just quoted myself sounding like a complete douche bag. Seriously. This is a real quote. I used to say this… ALL THE TIME. 

I believed if I had a couple of friends then I was doing good. And I made sure I didn’t really include anybody else in anything I was doing for fear that they would get the idea we could be friends. Really? I am not even that cool. I want to hit myself for even thinking I had that kind of influence. 

All of this to say- I learned the art of excluding women. I could have taught a class in it. I could walk into a room and specifically pick out who I wanted to talk to and make every effort to not talk to anyone else. I am typing this while laughing and rolling my eyes at my old patterns of life. “Oh my gosh. You were such a bitch.” 

Was my fear that I didn’t have time for other people? That I couldn’t keep up with the demands of knowing everyone’s birthday, favorite food, kid’s names?? I wish. That would have maybe been a good reason.

But the truth is, I was scared. I was scared that people would want to get close to me and expose all the areas I am a mess in. I was scared that they may have better gifting or better talents than me and I would not be needed in the circle of friends any longer. I was scared that the more people in your life, the less control you have over your relationships. And we all know that there is no better friend than one that controls you, right?!? 

You see the world has given women this weird view of how we should treat each other in a group setting. We are always on the mission to be “exclusive”. The popular ones. We like to circle up with a few friends and then fight for our life to keep everyone else out. While at the same time letting everyone in the world know through FB, Instagram and every other social media site, that we do everything together! 

I would love to say it was just me that used to do that, but years into women’s ministry I hear it all the time. I hear the struggle and hurt of women who have been the product of being left out. I see it everywhere from the little girls in kindergarten at my daughters school to the moms at the gym. We can be great at excluding people where we want and when we want. 

And I HATE it! I am sad and embarrassed to admit this is how I operated for many many years of my life. But God has been working on me in so many areas and this is just one.

What I now know to be true is that the most beautiful women I know are the most inclusive. If they see someone off to the side they make sure to befriend them. They are inviting. They are loving. They are not selfish in friendships. They are secure in who they are and have no reason to think they would ever be replaced. They know their value. And that they have great worth. They are the face of Jesus to many who feel unloved, unwanted and devalued. And I have realized that if we all gave up the act of trying to be cooler than we think we are, we can find treasure in each woman we meet. 

So friends, let’s shake off the exclusive mentality and embrace a culture of inclusiveness. The world is hard on women, so let’s make sure we are not adding to that pain. We owe that to our middle school selves when fitting in was hard. We owe it to our stage of being a first time mom when we felt judged by others. And we owe it to our daughters who are watching us and taking note. Let’s be as kind to one another as we want others to be to us. 

My Really Bad Botox Phase

I am going through something right now. I wish we were all sitting in a room together and I was playing the song Confessions by Usher in the background while I told you this story. (Side note- I have considered downloading this song and playing it every time someone starts to confess about anything. I think it would be such a fun way to just air out some stuff)
I realize that as I grow in my walk with Jesus I can't just say all the things that pop into my brain. To be more specific I can't respond with sarcasm, rude comments, or just flat out eye rolls when someone says something....well... stupid. And y'all, do you know how often this happens??

"Are you having twins?"
"Why do you not speak Spanish if your last name is Perez?"
"When you want something sweet you should eat a piece of fruit instead of candy."
Or anytime anyone even mentions the term Obamacare. Ever.

The list could go on forever. But that's not the point. The point is, that I have to grow up and I can't just retaliate with some rude comment when things like this come up. And I have such sweet friends that have matured in Jesus and handle these things with such grace. They smile or somehow maneuver the conversation to a healthy and less ridiculous place. And I want to be just like them when it comes to this.

But that's not what is happening. As I slowly start to close my mouth and stop myself from spewing out verbal diarrhea, what has happened is what I am calling my really bad botox phase. (And let's face it, good botox rarely makes headlines.) The only way to explain this to you is by showing you. So when someone makes one of the above comments or the other 4 million I don't like, this is what happens:

I know. Could I look any hotter? It's like- did she just burn herself or possibly have an accident in her pants? And it ages me like 15 years. And makes me look like I have 6 chins. But I can't stop it. My face automatically goes to this place and is frozen there. It is absolutely terrible. And eventually (like after an awkward 5 minutes)  I just start talking about something totally different- like the weather. 

I assume this frozen face will last less time as I grow more. Eventually not happening at all and stepping into such a beautiful graceful place like so many women who I admire and respect. But for now, this is all I got. 

So now you know. I am not perfect. If I make this face, slap me and tell me to grow up and that my opinion is not the only one. And pray for me that one day I will just have the good botox that makes me look 21 and always slightly giddy, in a non creepy kind of way. 

The Journey for Joy

I have tried to make a habit of asking Jesus what my theme is for the year, or sometimes for a season. This practice has really helped me to keep focus on what is really going on in my world and what God may be revealing about himself, or about me in that time. So in May I prayed about this summer and asked God what the theme was. “Joy. Make an adventure of finding Joy.”  Joy! What a great word. Joy felt good. This is going to be a great season. And it was that word in May that started this journey…

We had just come out of a fabulous women’s retreat and Mother’s Day weekend. We put our house on the market and got a full offer the first weekend. We were moving right along with what we believed God’s plan was. I could see joy all around me. This was an “easy” word. 

Then the first week of June the offer fell through. Rats. ok. Set back. Not defeated, but bummed. So I decided for the sake of my sanity I would clean the house, pack everyone up and head to my moms for the weekend so we were not having to run in and out and keep the house spotless while it was showing. We are making the usual drive to Bastrop on the back highway when someone pulls out 10 feet in front of me leaving me no time to stop. We hit him at 65 miles an hour. Every air bag deployed, (did you know some cars have air bags at your feet??! Thank God!) windows shattered, smoke everywhere, car completely smashed in. After the car stopped spinning we stopped just short of a ditch and I flung myself from the car. The kids were screaming so I knew they were alive. The dog was moving so I knew she was alive. There was blood and tears and complete panic as I grabbed my children from the car. We were transported to Dell Children immediately to undergo every test that you can have since we were considered “trauma” at the speed we hit. 

Let me assure you I didn’t feel joy in that moment. Yes, I was thankful we were alive, but I was in complete fear. I was 8 weeks pregnant and just slammed into multiple air bags and a seat belt. My kids were frightened as they were having x-rays and CT scans done. My family was worried as they received the news of the car accident. But I look at that day- 6 weeks later and can see the face of Jesus in so many moments through so many people. The car traveling directly behind us was a Bastrop Country Sheriff. She witnessed the entire thing and had help there within minutes. The accident happened in front of a tire store where the workers were hanging out in front. They were helping us right away and even kept the dog for us so she wasn’t taken to animal control and could get to the emergency vet clinic. We had family at the hospital before we ever even got off the ambulance. A friend went to buy us new car seats while tests were being ran and brought them to the hospital so we could go home when we were released. The workers at Dell treated me there so that I would not have to be separated from the kids. The doctor assigned to me told me his wife was in a car accident one year earlier. Their toddler was in the car and she was 8 weeks pregnant. Talk about someone who could relate. We had meals brought to us and checked up on regularly.  Jesus was there in every moment and every detail. And we were all ok. We all had bumps and bruises but the air bags and seat belts spared us all. My little fighter baby is now 14 weeks along. Even the dog made it out with just a busted eye from an air bag.

But I have struggled to find the joy many times. You see even though I can look back and see the goodness, in the middle of the chaos I found myself asking over and over, “where is the joy in this Jesus?” 

After the accident I never felt like we were supposed to get a new car yet. In fact I really wanted to be disobedient in those feelings and just go get one. I NEED a car. Why would Jesus not want me to have one? See I know there is this whole belief that we should do what we want because Jesus will bless it, and what is in our hearts he put there, and there is grace, and there is some truth in all of that- but let me assure you there are many, many things I WANT to do, that I should not. I would like to drink a case of beer when I am stressed out instead of dealing with it. I would like to tell people off when they make me mad instead of being kind. I would like to beat my kids when they are acting crazy. So for me, I try to ask what Jesus wants for me. Not what I want for me. (Because the answer to that is to be a professional air guitar champion) So no clearance for a car. Ok. 

We ended up getting another offer on the house, and it was moving fast. We are dealing with all the insurance stuff from wreck, borrowing a car from a friend for a bit and moving from our house. Stress. That is what I felt. Not joy, stress. And so my heart moved from asking “where is the joy?” to “why did you let this happen?” I knew God told us to sell the house. And now I am about to have no car, and no home (we are building a house that will not be done for a couple of months). Why in the world would he let this happen?? And I realized in questioning God’s goodness- that my joy comes from the comfort of the world I have created, and the happiness of things going my way. The materialistic items that make me happy. They give me fabricated joy.My life working out as I plan it. That makes me happy. I like the comfort of not having to ask for help. And when you don’t have a car and have to ask for a ride, your comfort zone is gone. We moved to my mom’s for the summer. And although I love it here (because it is literally like a resort) it is not my home. And all the comfort you have with having your own things- they are gone. 

So the false joy that I have from my stuff is all gone right now. And I have found joy in so many, many REAL things. In the stillness of the morning and letting my heart once again connect with Jesus. I have found joy in the beautiful land that has emerged out of the fires in Bastrop. That in devastation and destruction God has raised up beauty once again. I have found joy in sitting with my kids and laughing so hard I cry. I have found joy in the strength of my husband who is constant and always good. I have found joy in being with my mom and aunt and cooking them dinner before they come home from work. I have found joy in friendships that are so raw and real and authentic. I have found joy in watching my dog shake in fear from a 6 lb cat, but run full speed at a huge deer like its a stuffed animal. 

God is after real joy in me. And he is pursing my heart to find it. Through the accident. Through the sell of our house (which closed Wednesday by the way!). Through stripping away my comfort. Through life not working out exactly how I have planned, but how He has planned. The scripture I say over and over is “The joy of the Lord is my strength.” And I want nothing more than to be stronger with each day. 

Women (INSERT EYE ROLL)

Seriously though. Don’t you do that?? Is it just me? Often times in my life when I think about a gathering of women my eyes roll and I think “this is sure to be a nightmare.” Let me give you an example of why. 

Last month I was in body pump (which just an FYI is a class created by people who hate themselves- yet I love it and go twice a week) when a lady came charging in across a class of 50+ people. We are all mid squat track, carrying massively heavy weights (super exaggeration for me. It was like 4 lbs but felt like 1,000) when this lady interrupts the instructor to ask her to turn the music down. Whaaa?!? Yea. For real. She was working out upstairs and didn’t like how loud the music was from the group fitness class. My instructor stopped her class and tried to turn it down a bit. The lady apparently thought she intentionally turned it up and flipped out. I mean screaming at the top of her lungs, hands flying through the air, face red, edge of a stroke flipping out. And because I have done women’s ministry for years now you know what my thought was? “Seems like a regular f%#$ing Tuesday around here.” Come on. It didn’t even phase me. No shock value. Not even a pause. Nothing.

Why do you think that is? Well, amongst women there seems to be an overwhelming drama factor. Women just come with a baggage of emotion. So much crying, hormones, feelings, ups and downs, its sooooo hard to keep up with. Hell, I am a woman and I am scared of my own hormonal swings at times. I look around and think “was that me that just screamed at my kids? What happened?!? 4 seconds ago I was dying laughing.” Scary. 

But the truth is, that is not even the real drama that I avoid. I have actually started to embrace the changing landscape of emotions that comes with being in community with other women. And because Jesus has given me a view of the world that most often times looks comical- I have just started to look at those things and say “I live in the longest episode of SNL of all time.” Ever changing clips of really crazy people, doing really funny things. It’s actually become- dare I say- enjoyable. 

Let me tell you what does make my eyes roll though. The striving to be each other. Which in itself is insane since normally the person we are trying to be like, we don’t even actually like. I know it’s something that women have done forever (comparing yourself to someone else) but this age of false lives , AKA Social Media, has escalated everything. I catch myself doing it all the time.  

<cut to me on computer>

“Oh my gosh, look at those pics of her kids. They are always hugging and getting along. My kids are always fighting. I want to be like her. She is a better mom than me”

“Her and her husband are checked in on another date night!?! Gosh, Tony and I rarely go out on dates. I really need to step it up. He probably thinks I’m really boring”

“Look at how many miles she ran today. I should really put this tub of ice cream down and go run.”

“She built a whole business on her free time today. All I did was change a 3 year olds shitty diaper” (yea, you read that right. 3. Get over it perfect parent)

<end scene>

Seriously, you go there. You start this whole deal up where you beat yourself up comparing your life to someone else and then striving to be them. Its exhausting. And INSANE. 

We have all read the articles about how these online lives are false and we know someone can drive their car to the top of the mountain, take a selfie and say they ran up it. We get it. 

But that false self and need to be better than each other is making its way passed the keyboards of our computers and screens on our phones and becoming who we are in our actual life. 

I hear so many conversations and have experienced them myself when someone says “We are moving to a new house.” And immediately the response from another woman is- “oh really, we are going to be moving too, and we are getting even more for our house.” 

Or “we are going to go out on a date Friday” and the response is “we go out every Friday and this week we are going out Saturday too.”  

Come on ladies. We are not happy for anyone who may be perceived as doing something “better” than us. And all that happens is, we ruin their joy, and our own. Why is it so hard to be happy for each other? 

James 4:1-2 (MSG) “Where do you think all these appalling wars and quarrels come from? Do you think they just happen? Think again. They come about because you want your own way, and fight for it deep inside yourselves. You lust for what you don’t have and are willing to kill to get it. You want what isn’t yours and will risk violence to get your hands on it.” 

I know you are not out there trying to physically kill anyone, (if you are, I pray this blog in no way offends  you. I meant it for someone else) but we are killing each others joy. We are killing each others confidence. Trust. Hope. And most of all, we are killing our relationships. Women are really good at tearing each other down in order to build themselves up. We want your dream crushed, if ours is not coming true. 

Well guess what?!? We also have the power to encourage one another. To build each other up. To call out the best in each of us as mothers, wives, friends, and women!

So, let’s take off the false personality and get rid of the strife. I will start with me. 

- I like my house clean, but I have 2 kids and a dog so it is rarely that

• My kids fight
• I yell at them when they fight
• I fell like crap after I yell at them
• I have to apologize on the regular for being a douche bag to people 
• I have ruined friendships for no other reason than the fact that I couldn’t handle my view of how much better their life was than mine

The list can go on forever. I am not perfect. Thank God. So much pressure. Neither are you. AND neither is anyone else you are comparing yourself to. Be encouraged today that you are who you are, (in all your drama, mood swings, changing hormones, joy, life, love, mess) and that is a VERY VERY good thing.

Where are you trying to be something you are not? It is a great thing to want to be better, as long as that is a better you, not a lesser version of someone else.