It's The Funniest Time of The Year

The thing I love most about the holiday season is getting to spend time with our families. Our gatherings are a beautiful blend of love, laughter, and a dash of crazy.

My mom has a huge Christmas party every year at her house and there are always a ton of people there with a thousand different conversations going on at the same time.  One of my favorite things to do is just walk around and hear bits and pieces of each one. This year, some of the things I overheard are below. Names have not been included for obvious reasons...

- "You probably don't recognize me because I shaved off my Jesus." - in reference to his beard
- "I am on glass #3 of wine, but I can handle it." - said while dancing alone in the kitchen
- "I have a stick, I just need a weenie"- you can go where you want with that one

One of my favorite Christmas Memories was at my mom's party last year. Early in the evening I heard my cousin Christina complaining of an ear ache. Then a little later on I heard her say "I will just smoke it out." Call me stupid, but for some reason I did not put together that she was still talking about her ear when she said this. But sure enough she was. I was terrified yet intrigued as I watched her roll up a piece of newspaper go outside stick it in her ear, and watch my cousin Andrew light the other end on fire. In case you think I am making this up- I have attached a picture. (Children, do not try this at home)

I know what you are thinking "Jessica, I do this all the time to take care of my ear infections. Doctors are very overrated." Obviously my family would agree with you. Who needs antibiotics when you have newspaper and fire??

I can't help but smile as I think of how blessed I am to be with people each year that make me laugh, whether WITH them or AT them.

As you go about celebrating with friends and family this week, remember there may be someone that is just listening and observing, waiting to write on a public forum about all of the crazy things you say and do.

Wishing you all laughter and a very Merry Christmas.

Isn't It Ironic

What a week! Tony and I are redoing all of the floors downstairs and between the dust, tile breaking, furniture everywhere, 6 month old and high maintenance dog it has been very eventful around here.

Many stories could probably be told from this past week, but my favorite was an unexpected visit from my brother's friend Steven.

Let me give you a little background...

Steven is white, a plumber, thinks he is Mexican, and ultra ghetto. It is the most interesting breed I have come across in a long time.

We had to shut off the gas in the house because we had to move the stove and dryer (which were placed in a very good spot- the backyard), so my brother called Steven over to replace something on the pipes. I won't go any further with explaining as I have no real idea what he did.

Tony and Chris ran an errand and during that time Steven, who likes to go by his last name Chandler, showed up.

I come downstairs to say hello and thank him for his help. He is chatting with my brother in law, in fluent spanish- still in his work clothes, has a can of beer that is nicely wrapped in a brown paper bag in one hand and a bag of pork rinds in the other.  His top button on his shirt is slightly open and you can see the large tattoo of his wife's name "ANGEL" written across his chest.

I laugh at the irony of this. Steven Chandler AKA white guy, is having a full conversation with my brother in law, while Jessica PEREZ AKA half mexican chick-has no real idea what is being said.

Chandler said he fixed what he needed to and was going to hang out and wait for my brother who would be home in just a few minutes. There was really no place to sit downstairs so he said he would just wait on the porch.

I am sure my neighbors were LOVING us this weekend. You see, we live in a neighborhood that sort of resembles the one on Desperate Housewives. Everyone has porches with rocking chairs, white picket fences, etc. I am pretty sure Tony and I are the only non-white people on the street. I often say I think the neighbors are asking each other "Why do you think the yard people are allowed to go in and out of that house?!?"

So now we have our appliances AND furniture in the backyard, making a ton of noise cutting wood and breaking tile and Chandler sitting out on my porch drinking beer and eating pork rinds. Nice!

We chat for a couple minutes before Chris gets here. I am asking him how his kiddos are, wife, work.
He is checking out the floor and asking about the remodeling we are doing. Then he tells me how nice everything looks. He said- "Jessica, you are like one of those white ladies with all of this nice stuff. Look at that kitchen, the tile! Aye- mirrrra. Everything looks purrrooo fancccyy."


I laughed so hard. It was one of the funniest, most eye opening moments I have had. Being told by a white guy, that I was like a fancy white lady, in a slang mexican accent.

And I thought I was confused about who I was...

Random Encounters

One of the things I love most about being me, is that I have this look that tells other people "Please say something totally weird, inappropriate or stupid to me." It's just luck I guess. Not everyone is fortunate enough to have this gift so it is important that I share stories of random things that happen to me so that you can (because i know you want to) live vicariously through me.

Event One:
Place-HEB
Person-Countryfied White Lady
Category-Stupid

While shopping for Tony's birthday cake (hate to bring that up again) I decided to also buy a cookie cake for my brother in law Noel who has been out of town. I make my selection and hand to the lady behind the counter and say:

Me: can I get 'Welcome Home Noel' on this one please?
CWL: uuhhh did you say Noel?
Me: correct
CWL:(super country accent now comes out) when I write the 'E' do I need to make one of them little straight lines across it?
Me: I'm sorry- what?
CWL: Ya know, one a them little marks, like a tilted dash?
Me: mmmhh, are you talking about an accent mark?
CWL: yea
Me: I don't think so
CWL: are you sure?
Me: (in my head) not sure, but thinking if I listen to anyone it would be the white lady behind the counter who didn't know it was called an accent mark. (out loud) you know- it might have one of those "little marks," but for the sake of time let's just go with no for now.
CWL: sigh. Ok. If you say so.

Lesson: When in doubt- throw a random line over anything that even sounds Spanish.

Event Two:
Place-HEB...again
Person: Really Old Lady
Conversation: Weird

I was making my weekly grocery run and while checking out the hot deals on frozen shrimp- this really old lady comes up to my cart and starts talking to Rafi. She is telling her how cute she is and how she loves her hair, blah blah blah. Then she turns to me and says
ROL: I love this thing (she is referring to the shopping cart cover that Rafi is sitting in). We didn't have anything like this when my kids were little.
Me: oh, thank you! They do come up with some pretty cool stuff these days.
ROL: You know- now that I think about it, I don't ever remember taking my kids to the grocery store. I just left them at home by themselves.
Me:mmhh, I totally should have done that. It would have made this trip much more enjoyable.
ROL: (grabs my arm, pulls my face to hers, locks her eyes on me and firmly says) Honey- times have changed! You can't just leave your kids at home alone anymore. Do you understand?!?
Me: yes mam. Thank you for that information.

Lesson: sarcasm does NOT translate across generations. Also, old people talk louder and an entire seafood section in HEB may think you are an unfit parent if you don't watch out.

Event three:
Place- Best Friends Baby Shower
Person- Best Friends's Mom
Conversation-Inappropriate/Funny/my favorite
WARNING: if you are a male or easily offended, skip this event!

My very best friend is expecting her first baby this month. I was so excited to go to her baby shower and celebrate with her friends and family. I purchased a few items she needed (a shopping cart cover now that I think about it) and some breast feeding needs since I know she plans to go that route.

After gifts were opened, her mom and I started chatting and she said

BFM: so did you hear that I am going to be the babysitter?
Me: I did. That is so exciting!
BFM: I know. So I'm glad you bought those breast pads- Nette and I will share them.
Me:laughing
BFM: I am always teasing her that I am going to feed the baby too. She gets mad and says she better not see me putting my boobs near him!
Me: She says that now, but if it makes him stop screaming she will be sticking it in there herself!
BFM: laughing
Me: Although it may be more like powdered milk if it comes from you
Both of us- dying laughing

Lesson- none.