Random Encounters

One of the things I love most about being me, is that I have this look that tells other people "Please say something totally weird, inappropriate or stupid to me." It's just luck I guess. Not everyone is fortunate enough to have this gift so it is important that I share stories of random things that happen to me so that you can (because i know you want to) live vicariously through me.

Event One:
Place-HEB
Person-Countryfied White Lady
Category-Stupid

While shopping for Tony's birthday cake (hate to bring that up again) I decided to also buy a cookie cake for my brother in law Noel who has been out of town. I make my selection and hand to the lady behind the counter and say:

Me: can I get 'Welcome Home Noel' on this one please?
CWL: uuhhh did you say Noel?
Me: correct
CWL:(super country accent now comes out) when I write the 'E' do I need to make one of them little straight lines across it?
Me: I'm sorry- what?
CWL: Ya know, one a them little marks, like a tilted dash?
Me: mmmhh, are you talking about an accent mark?
CWL: yea
Me: I don't think so
CWL: are you sure?
Me: (in my head) not sure, but thinking if I listen to anyone it would be the white lady behind the counter who didn't know it was called an accent mark. (out loud) you know- it might have one of those "little marks," but for the sake of time let's just go with no for now.
CWL: sigh. Ok. If you say so.

Lesson: When in doubt- throw a random line over anything that even sounds Spanish.

Event Two:
Place-HEB...again
Person: Really Old Lady
Conversation: Weird

I was making my weekly grocery run and while checking out the hot deals on frozen shrimp- this really old lady comes up to my cart and starts talking to Rafi. She is telling her how cute she is and how she loves her hair, blah blah blah. Then she turns to me and says
ROL: I love this thing (she is referring to the shopping cart cover that Rafi is sitting in). We didn't have anything like this when my kids were little.
Me: oh, thank you! They do come up with some pretty cool stuff these days.
ROL: You know- now that I think about it, I don't ever remember taking my kids to the grocery store. I just left them at home by themselves.
Me:mmhh, I totally should have done that. It would have made this trip much more enjoyable.
ROL: (grabs my arm, pulls my face to hers, locks her eyes on me and firmly says) Honey- times have changed! You can't just leave your kids at home alone anymore. Do you understand?!?
Me: yes mam. Thank you for that information.

Lesson: sarcasm does NOT translate across generations. Also, old people talk louder and an entire seafood section in HEB may think you are an unfit parent if you don't watch out.

Event three:
Place- Best Friends Baby Shower
Person- Best Friends's Mom
Conversation-Inappropriate/Funny/my favorite
WARNING: if you are a male or easily offended, skip this event!

My very best friend is expecting her first baby this month. I was so excited to go to her baby shower and celebrate with her friends and family. I purchased a few items she needed (a shopping cart cover now that I think about it) and some breast feeding needs since I know she plans to go that route.

After gifts were opened, her mom and I started chatting and she said

BFM: so did you hear that I am going to be the babysitter?
Me: I did. That is so exciting!
BFM: I know. So I'm glad you bought those breast pads- Nette and I will share them.
Me:laughing
BFM: I am always teasing her that I am going to feed the baby too. She gets mad and says she better not see me putting my boobs near him!
Me: She says that now, but if it makes him stop screaming she will be sticking it in there herself!
BFM: laughing
Me: Although it may be more like powdered milk if it comes from you
Both of us- dying laughing

Lesson- none.