My Really Bad Botox Phase

I am going through something right now. I wish we were all sitting in a room together and I was playing the song Confessions by Usher in the background while I told you this story. (Side note- I have considered downloading this song and playing it every time someone starts to confess about anything. I think it would be such a fun way to just air out some stuff)
I realize that as I grow in my walk with Jesus I can't just say all the things that pop into my brain. To be more specific I can't respond with sarcasm, rude comments, or just flat out eye rolls when someone says something....well... stupid. And y'all, do you know how often this happens??

"Are you having twins?"
"Why do you not speak Spanish if your last name is Perez?"
"When you want something sweet you should eat a piece of fruit instead of candy."
Or anytime anyone even mentions the term Obamacare. Ever.

The list could go on forever. But that's not the point. The point is, that I have to grow up and I can't just retaliate with some rude comment when things like this come up. And I have such sweet friends that have matured in Jesus and handle these things with such grace. They smile or somehow maneuver the conversation to a healthy and less ridiculous place. And I want to be just like them when it comes to this.

But that's not what is happening. As I slowly start to close my mouth and stop myself from spewing out verbal diarrhea, what has happened is what I am calling my really bad botox phase. (And let's face it, good botox rarely makes headlines.) The only way to explain this to you is by showing you. So when someone makes one of the above comments or the other 4 million I don't like, this is what happens:

I know. Could I look any hotter? It's like- did she just burn herself or possibly have an accident in her pants? And it ages me like 15 years. And makes me look like I have 6 chins. But I can't stop it. My face automatically goes to this place and is frozen there. It is absolutely terrible. And eventually (like after an awkward 5 minutes)  I just start talking about something totally different- like the weather. 

I assume this frozen face will last less time as I grow more. Eventually not happening at all and stepping into such a beautiful graceful place like so many women who I admire and respect. But for now, this is all I got. 

So now you know. I am not perfect. If I make this face, slap me and tell me to grow up and that my opinion is not the only one. And pray for me that one day I will just have the good botox that makes me look 21 and always slightly giddy, in a non creepy kind of way. 

The Journey for Joy

I have tried to make a habit of asking Jesus what my theme is for the year, or sometimes for a season. This practice has really helped me to keep focus on what is really going on in my world and what God may be revealing about himself, or about me in that time. So in May I prayed about this summer and asked God what the theme was. “Joy. Make an adventure of finding Joy.”  Joy! What a great word. Joy felt good. This is going to be a great season. And it was that word in May that started this journey…

We had just come out of a fabulous women’s retreat and Mother’s Day weekend. We put our house on the market and got a full offer the first weekend. We were moving right along with what we believed God’s plan was. I could see joy all around me. This was an “easy” word. 

Then the first week of June the offer fell through. Rats. ok. Set back. Not defeated, but bummed. So I decided for the sake of my sanity I would clean the house, pack everyone up and head to my moms for the weekend so we were not having to run in and out and keep the house spotless while it was showing. We are making the usual drive to Bastrop on the back highway when someone pulls out 10 feet in front of me leaving me no time to stop. We hit him at 65 miles an hour. Every air bag deployed, (did you know some cars have air bags at your feet??! Thank God!) windows shattered, smoke everywhere, car completely smashed in. After the car stopped spinning we stopped just short of a ditch and I flung myself from the car. The kids were screaming so I knew they were alive. The dog was moving so I knew she was alive. There was blood and tears and complete panic as I grabbed my children from the car. We were transported to Dell Children immediately to undergo every test that you can have since we were considered “trauma” at the speed we hit. 

Let me assure you I didn’t feel joy in that moment. Yes, I was thankful we were alive, but I was in complete fear. I was 8 weeks pregnant and just slammed into multiple air bags and a seat belt. My kids were frightened as they were having x-rays and CT scans done. My family was worried as they received the news of the car accident. But I look at that day- 6 weeks later and can see the face of Jesus in so many moments through so many people. The car traveling directly behind us was a Bastrop Country Sheriff. She witnessed the entire thing and had help there within minutes. The accident happened in front of a tire store where the workers were hanging out in front. They were helping us right away and even kept the dog for us so she wasn’t taken to animal control and could get to the emergency vet clinic. We had family at the hospital before we ever even got off the ambulance. A friend went to buy us new car seats while tests were being ran and brought them to the hospital so we could go home when we were released. The workers at Dell treated me there so that I would not have to be separated from the kids. The doctor assigned to me told me his wife was in a car accident one year earlier. Their toddler was in the car and she was 8 weeks pregnant. Talk about someone who could relate. We had meals brought to us and checked up on regularly.  Jesus was there in every moment and every detail. And we were all ok. We all had bumps and bruises but the air bags and seat belts spared us all. My little fighter baby is now 14 weeks along. Even the dog made it out with just a busted eye from an air bag.

But I have struggled to find the joy many times. You see even though I can look back and see the goodness, in the middle of the chaos I found myself asking over and over, “where is the joy in this Jesus?” 

After the accident I never felt like we were supposed to get a new car yet. In fact I really wanted to be disobedient in those feelings and just go get one. I NEED a car. Why would Jesus not want me to have one? See I know there is this whole belief that we should do what we want because Jesus will bless it, and what is in our hearts he put there, and there is grace, and there is some truth in all of that- but let me assure you there are many, many things I WANT to do, that I should not. I would like to drink a case of beer when I am stressed out instead of dealing with it. I would like to tell people off when they make me mad instead of being kind. I would like to beat my kids when they are acting crazy. So for me, I try to ask what Jesus wants for me. Not what I want for me. (Because the answer to that is to be a professional air guitar champion) So no clearance for a car. Ok. 

We ended up getting another offer on the house, and it was moving fast. We are dealing with all the insurance stuff from wreck, borrowing a car from a friend for a bit and moving from our house. Stress. That is what I felt. Not joy, stress. And so my heart moved from asking “where is the joy?” to “why did you let this happen?” I knew God told us to sell the house. And now I am about to have no car, and no home (we are building a house that will not be done for a couple of months). Why in the world would he let this happen?? And I realized in questioning God’s goodness- that my joy comes from the comfort of the world I have created, and the happiness of things going my way. The materialistic items that make me happy. They give me fabricated joy.My life working out as I plan it. That makes me happy. I like the comfort of not having to ask for help. And when you don’t have a car and have to ask for a ride, your comfort zone is gone. We moved to my mom’s for the summer. And although I love it here (because it is literally like a resort) it is not my home. And all the comfort you have with having your own things- they are gone. 

So the false joy that I have from my stuff is all gone right now. And I have found joy in so many, many REAL things. In the stillness of the morning and letting my heart once again connect with Jesus. I have found joy in the beautiful land that has emerged out of the fires in Bastrop. That in devastation and destruction God has raised up beauty once again. I have found joy in sitting with my kids and laughing so hard I cry. I have found joy in the strength of my husband who is constant and always good. I have found joy in being with my mom and aunt and cooking them dinner before they come home from work. I have found joy in friendships that are so raw and real and authentic. I have found joy in watching my dog shake in fear from a 6 lb cat, but run full speed at a huge deer like its a stuffed animal. 

God is after real joy in me. And he is pursing my heart to find it. Through the accident. Through the sell of our house (which closed Wednesday by the way!). Through stripping away my comfort. Through life not working out exactly how I have planned, but how He has planned. The scripture I say over and over is “The joy of the Lord is my strength.” And I want nothing more than to be stronger with each day. 

Women (INSERT EYE ROLL)

Seriously though. Don’t you do that?? Is it just me? Often times in my life when I think about a gathering of women my eyes roll and I think “this is sure to be a nightmare.” Let me give you an example of why. 

Last month I was in body pump (which just an FYI is a class created by people who hate themselves- yet I love it and go twice a week) when a lady came charging in across a class of 50+ people. We are all mid squat track, carrying massively heavy weights (super exaggeration for me. It was like 4 lbs but felt like 1,000) when this lady interrupts the instructor to ask her to turn the music down. Whaaa?!? Yea. For real. She was working out upstairs and didn’t like how loud the music was from the group fitness class. My instructor stopped her class and tried to turn it down a bit. The lady apparently thought she intentionally turned it up and flipped out. I mean screaming at the top of her lungs, hands flying through the air, face red, edge of a stroke flipping out. And because I have done women’s ministry for years now you know what my thought was? “Seems like a regular f%#$ing Tuesday around here.” Come on. It didn’t even phase me. No shock value. Not even a pause. Nothing.

Why do you think that is? Well, amongst women there seems to be an overwhelming drama factor. Women just come with a baggage of emotion. So much crying, hormones, feelings, ups and downs, its sooooo hard to keep up with. Hell, I am a woman and I am scared of my own hormonal swings at times. I look around and think “was that me that just screamed at my kids? What happened?!? 4 seconds ago I was dying laughing.” Scary. 

But the truth is, that is not even the real drama that I avoid. I have actually started to embrace the changing landscape of emotions that comes with being in community with other women. And because Jesus has given me a view of the world that most often times looks comical- I have just started to look at those things and say “I live in the longest episode of SNL of all time.” Ever changing clips of really crazy people, doing really funny things. It’s actually become- dare I say- enjoyable. 

Let me tell you what does make my eyes roll though. The striving to be each other. Which in itself is insane since normally the person we are trying to be like, we don’t even actually like. I know it’s something that women have done forever (comparing yourself to someone else) but this age of false lives , AKA Social Media, has escalated everything. I catch myself doing it all the time.  

<cut to me on computer>

“Oh my gosh, look at those pics of her kids. They are always hugging and getting along. My kids are always fighting. I want to be like her. She is a better mom than me”

“Her and her husband are checked in on another date night!?! Gosh, Tony and I rarely go out on dates. I really need to step it up. He probably thinks I’m really boring”

“Look at how many miles she ran today. I should really put this tub of ice cream down and go run.”

“She built a whole business on her free time today. All I did was change a 3 year olds shitty diaper” (yea, you read that right. 3. Get over it perfect parent)

<end scene>

Seriously, you go there. You start this whole deal up where you beat yourself up comparing your life to someone else and then striving to be them. Its exhausting. And INSANE. 

We have all read the articles about how these online lives are false and we know someone can drive their car to the top of the mountain, take a selfie and say they ran up it. We get it. 

But that false self and need to be better than each other is making its way passed the keyboards of our computers and screens on our phones and becoming who we are in our actual life. 

I hear so many conversations and have experienced them myself when someone says “We are moving to a new house.” And immediately the response from another woman is- “oh really, we are going to be moving too, and we are getting even more for our house.” 

Or “we are going to go out on a date Friday” and the response is “we go out every Friday and this week we are going out Saturday too.”  

Come on ladies. We are not happy for anyone who may be perceived as doing something “better” than us. And all that happens is, we ruin their joy, and our own. Why is it so hard to be happy for each other? 

James 4:1-2 (MSG) “Where do you think all these appalling wars and quarrels come from? Do you think they just happen? Think again. They come about because you want your own way, and fight for it deep inside yourselves. You lust for what you don’t have and are willing to kill to get it. You want what isn’t yours and will risk violence to get your hands on it.” 

I know you are not out there trying to physically kill anyone, (if you are, I pray this blog in no way offends  you. I meant it for someone else) but we are killing each others joy. We are killing each others confidence. Trust. Hope. And most of all, we are killing our relationships. Women are really good at tearing each other down in order to build themselves up. We want your dream crushed, if ours is not coming true. 

Well guess what?!? We also have the power to encourage one another. To build each other up. To call out the best in each of us as mothers, wives, friends, and women!

So, let’s take off the false personality and get rid of the strife. I will start with me. 

- I like my house clean, but I have 2 kids and a dog so it is rarely that

• My kids fight
• I yell at them when they fight
• I fell like crap after I yell at them
• I have to apologize on the regular for being a douche bag to people 
• I have ruined friendships for no other reason than the fact that I couldn’t handle my view of how much better their life was than mine

The list can go on forever. I am not perfect. Thank God. So much pressure. Neither are you. AND neither is anyone else you are comparing yourself to. Be encouraged today that you are who you are, (in all your drama, mood swings, changing hormones, joy, life, love, mess) and that is a VERY VERY good thing.

Where are you trying to be something you are not? It is a great thing to want to be better, as long as that is a better you, not a lesser version of someone else.