The Adventures of Childhood Chris Collier

A few weeks ago my dad came over with a bunch of old pictures that he had at his house. He wanted to be sure my mom still had some pictures of my grandparents, my brother Chris and I when we were kids, etc. after she had lost all of her pictures in the fire.

One of the BEST things we found were these really strange wood cut outs of my brother Chris and I. Why did my parents get these made of us you may ask?!? Well, as I explained to my cousin Caitlin "My dad is wearing cut off jean shorts and tube socks up to his knees in most of these pictures, he probably thought this kind of thing was really classy back then."

Well, of course we couldn't just let this kind of priceless item go to waste. We have decided that the Childhood Chris Collier just didn't experience enough excitement in the late 80's! So, he will now live the life he never had. Below are some pictures of the things he has already been able to do in the last couple of weeks. He will go on many more adventures, in many more places, and my guess is- he is going to love them all. Or at least he will look like he is loving them all.

Here he is going out for date night with Tony and I...

Ordering Thai Food...

Wearing a napkin bib while having a family pizza dinner...

Learning all about technology. Here he is playing Call of Duty on X-box...

I think childhood Chris Collier will have a Facebook fan page soon, he seems to be interested, so keep an eye out for it.  Oh, and if you are wondering if people think you are strange when a little wooden figure of a boy is sitting with you at a dinner table, looking at the menu,the answer is- of course not!

Life with a Side of Serious

As many of you know, my Mom and Rodger live in Bastrop. They have 10 acres of land with a beautiful home that Rodger built with his own 2 hands. He built all the cabinets, the beds, the dining room table- if he COULD do it, he DID do it! Below are pictures of the outside and inside during Christmas this past year.

A little over 2 weeks ago, we got a phone call from my mom that the fires in Bastrop were on their property. She was driving in from work, and only made it half way up the road before a police officer told her she couldn't go any further. Rodger saw the fire coming and did what he could to water the house down, and just when the flames got too hot (which happened VERY fast) he grabbed their 2 dogs and headed out.

They got out of the house with nothing but the clothes on their back, their 2 dogs and one guitar that happened to be close to the door of Rodger's shop. That's it! He had to leave their 22 chickens behind, couldn't find the cat, and of course no paper work, pictures, clothes... all of it was left behind.

For nearly 2 1/2 weeks, they have been staying with Tony and I. Waiting and wondering. They were the very last group of people to go in to their property. They FINALLY just returned on Thursday morning to see what was left. To say it was overwhelming to see would be an understatement. Below is a picture of Rafi looking at what was left of the house.

It was hard to see this. All of the memories we had created in the house, as well as all of the items that meant so much to us. I started going through every room in the house remembering what was there. Pictures of my grandparents who passed away 11 years ago, an entire refrigerator my mom spent years filling with magnets from every state she had visited, all of Rodger's wood work that he had spent so much time on- gone in just a matter of moments.

We are so incredibly thankful that mom and Rodger are safe. We are so grateful for all of the people who have sent food, gift cards, clothes and encouraging words to them through the last several weeks. Not to mention, 6 of the 22 chickens did actually survive! 

Mom and Rodger have truly been inspirational to watch through all of this. They were the ones telling us "don't be sad. we just move on and make more memories from here." God has been so kind in allowing us to spend time with our family that we have so missed in the "busyness of life" in the last several years.

And unlike many others who were effected by the fires, they will be able to rebuild and move on. Our prayers go out to those who are less fortunate, without insurance and still staying in shelters all over the area.

Thanks to everyone for your support and prayers. Your words have been so comforting. Below is a picture of one of the only items still standing on their property. I believe this says it all.

Classic Maria

My Aunt Maria is one of the funniest people I know. At 64 years young, she is so adventurous and full of life. There are often times she makes me laugh to the point of tears. I don't know why I don't share more stories that involve her, so everyone can benefit from her humor. So I am going to share 2 of my favorite Maria stories for now. There will be plenty more to come.

Scene 1:
Headed out to spend the day at the park with the family. It is Summer in Texas so we know its going to be hot and sunny. Maria is going to ride with me in my car but said she needed to get something out of her car first. After a few minutes she comes over to jump in the back seat and says "I forgot my sunglasses at home, so I'm just going to wear these." I start to turn to look at her thinking that she will be wearing a hat, or maybe even some crazy shades just to get by, but instead I see that she is wearing 3D sunglasses that she got at the movies. 

Scene 2:
My brother Chris is a gun guy. He loves to teach people about guns, how to shoot, safety, etc. As we are all having lunch one day at my house Chris starts to tell us how he wants to do a class for just our family to teach us basic gun safety. Maria chimes in and says. "I don't need to know how to shoot a gun because I would never buy a gun." She pauses, then continues "Well, I guess I should learn about how to shoot it just in case I ever FIND a gun." I start to ask her where in the world she is hanging out that she would have the potential to find a gun, but she starts up again... " Or I guess if someone came at me with a gun and I overpowered them, I would need to know how to shoot after that."

Not sure what goes on in that ladies head, but I sure do love it.

Survivor: Galveston Island

The Beach. A place to relax, catch some sun and not have a care in the world....

We arrived at our hotel in the early afternoon Sunday. We could not wait to get in the water so we changed as soon as we got there, and headed downstairs.  We looked over the brown bath water that we call a beach in Texas with excitement. After lathering up with sun block (now in our late 20's Caitlin and I have traded in the baby oil for SPF5000) we went leaping into the water.

The waves were pretty strong so my mom, Rafi and aunt Linda stayed playing in the sand while Caitlin, my aunt Maria and myself took our floats and headed to the deep water. After only a couple of minutes in, I start to feel a little itchy. I thought it was a tag on my swimsuit so I moved it out of the way. No luck. I started to see all of this plant stuff in the water so I thought it must be that. I started moving it away, and still- no relief. Finally I look over at Caitlin and say "Hey- I'm really itching. Are you itching?" She says yes. Thinking we are going crazy we yell over at Maria.
"Hey Maria- are you itching?" As she looks over she is already scratching and assures us that its only in her shorts that she is itching. So that of course makes us feel better.

We immediately start running out of the water. As we get to the shore Caitlin pulls something off her leg that is a small blob with a dot on it. We now know something is in our swim suites and start freaking out. The only thing we have to rinse off with is ice cold water which is now being poured down our swim suites as we jump around screaming.

Upon research we realize we have been "attacked" by sea lice. YES, Sea Lice. These are jelly fish larvae and are abundant in warm beaches from April-August. Are you freaking kidding me. Sea lice. Who the heck gets sea lice. I had never even heard of this and I have been in Texas Beaches my whole life.

Needless to say after the itching had been washed away, we make the easy decision to not get back in the water. We will stick to laying out in the sand.  I was sitting with Rafi digging a sand castle and trying to get over the sea lice situation when all of a sudden something hits my leg. I look down to find a 1 foot snake jumping around in my lap. In a split second I am screaming, throwing the snake away and running with Rafi to get away from it. Ok- now, how in the world did a snake end up in my lap?!? A seagull. Yes, a kind seagull who I suppose felt that I needed a gift after being infested with sea lice, dropped a snake out of the sky onto my lap.

So, now we have sea lice and snake- beach is over! We go to our hotel, burn our skin in hot water to make sure everything is dead and walk down the Sea Wall to go to an uneventful dinner. After lots of laughter and stories we are walking back to our hotel when suddenly this group of kids come speeding past us on bicycles. We hear some shouting, turn around and see a fight has broken out right behind us. My mom and Linda start running toward us to get out of the way, just as we see my Aunt Maria inching closer to the fight. Not sure if she was trying to get a better look or maybe throw some money in for a bet, but she was right in the action. After screaming (theme of the trip) at her, she finally gets over to us and we watch these kids go Street Fighter on each other. And I mean that literally. Traffic was swerving around them as they threw punches at each other in the middle of the busy street. Finally some guys run out to stop them, and then the police.

Realizing that nothing else we could do would top our triple threat of sea lice, snakes and UFC fighting, we called it a night, and in our world "a successful vacation."

My favorite sign in Galveston

The Interpretation of Dreams

This is the dream I had today...

-I was in a Chinese Prison.
-My "cell mate" was a super sweet Zombie who was really scared of me.
-When the guards were angry, they would release a sea creature to chase after us and try and sting us. It looked just like Patrick on Sponge Bob Square Pants, except with an angry face.
-I woke up each day with no memory of the day before. So each morning I would scream in fear and the Zombie would sit across the room and explain where I was.

Ummmm.... WHAT?!?

Take that Sigmund Freud!

My Problem Child

Just when I thought my neighbors couldn't hate me anymore- Izzy proves that anything is possible...

Izzy, as many of you know is my very large, very sweet and very unstable 3 year old boxer. At times I believe that she may be my very best friend in the world. And other times I daydream there is a famine in the land and I have to use her as survival food.  I have said from the day I brought Rafi home, I would have assumed that kids were hard if I had never had Iz, but after a few years with her, a baby was a breeze!

A few weeks ago we had my family over for a casual weekend hang out. We are mexican so this means there are like 30 people who just showed up randomly to kick it. In the middle of the afternoon we all decide we are going to head out to Pflugerville lake and swim, bike, run- just get out and enjoy the sunshine.

As a few of us are headed out the front door, Izzy is still roaming the house. Nobody is paying attention to the fact that my neighbor is walking past our house with his very small, well manicured dog in tow. I mean really well manicured. Like pink bow in the front of her hair type manicure.

Izzy, who usually misses large pieces of food that you are throwing right at her, somehow sees this dog. She pushes through the opened door and charges at the man and his dog. My neighbor who I have only waved to in passing is now standing in my yard, screaming. High pitched freak out screaming. I see a whirlwind of hair, pink bow included, flash past my face. My neighbor has his dog flying in the air by its leash, twirling in circles, screaming.

I imagine that the little dog looked like the best interactive chew toy ever to Izzy,  who of course was in a full circle sprint, leaping in the air trying to get the dog.

Finally my nephew runs out and grabs Izzy, picking her up like a harmless baby and carries her into the house. I tried to play it off with my neighbor like Izzy was worried about the safety of the dog because maybe she thought he was choking it. My lame attempts at humor were met with a very unhappy face and mumbling under his breath.

At that point I decide it is best to look at the ground and walk as fast as I could to my car, and speed away.

Guess I won't be getting neighbor of the month... again...

 

No Hablo Espanol

I was out running errands yesterday and I decided to stop off at Juarez Bakery on my way home for a little sweet treat with Rafi Cat. For those of you who have not been there, Juarez is alway jam packed with people and yesterday was no exception.

After grabbing my sweet bread I sat down at a table with Rafi and was minding my own business, when this older white man comes over to me. He starts talking to Rafi and saying hello, telling her she is cute, nothing out of the ordinary when people see babies. Then he starts telling her she has really big beautiful eyes. He looks at me and says the same thing. I of course had a huge bite of bread in my mouth so I smile and nod since I couldn’t really say anything at the moment. Then he gets louder. “She has BIG Beautiful Eyes.” I start to try and say thank you, not really sure why he insists on yelling at me when he takes it up one more notch- this time with hand movements. HER (points at Rafi) EYES (points at his own) are BIG (stretches out arms). Then he starts chanting Ojos, Ojos while he points at his eyes. I start to look around, wondering what was going on, only to realize that everyone in the restaurant, other than him was hispanic. Finally it hit me- he thought I didn’t speak english, and apparently that I was also deaf.

After I recovered from the shock of it all and discovered that everyone was now staring at me, I said “Thank you, her eyes are beautiful.” I may have even tried to throw in a little country twang when I said it. He then just turned around and walked away, I suppose he was disappointed that I could not keep up the spanish conversation with him.

I guess the last few days in the sun have started to bring out my ethnic side and cover up all traces of my maiden name- Collier.

These are a few of my LEAST favorite things

Before you proceed, let me go ahead and answer a couple of questions about this blog.

Q: Will this blog offend me?
A: Sure it might. Most things I say or write often offend people. Fair warning.

Q: Will I agree with all of the things Jessica is annoyed by?
A: No, of course you won’t. But for the purpose of this blog- your opinion will be wrong.

Q: Can I post things that I find annoying in the comments section of this blog?
A: YES! Please do. I would love to hear the things that bother you as long as they don’t conflict with any of the things that bother me. That would be really annoying.

Ok- there will probably be a part 2,3,4... to this blog. Just sharing a few with you today.


# 1- People who say “I hate drama!” I don’t find this annoying because I like drama, it is really because the people who make this statement are ALWAYS the people who are creating the drama!

# 2- People who don’t discipline their children. Let me give an example on this one. I was in the grocery store one day and this kid (about 2 1/2 yrs old) was going CRAZY in the shopping cart. He is hitting his dad, screaming in his face- total flip out.  I am minding my own business trying to buy some meat when I hear the dad saying,  “ I can tell by how you are acting, you are in a bad place. I will wait until you are ready to use your words so we can talk about this.”  Uhhhh, what?? The kid of course, not ready to use his words, continued the madness for another couple of minutes. After realizing that I had been staring at the same package of chicken for a while because I could not even focus, I leaned over and said “Hey, it’s really cool that you want him to use his words and all, but for the sake of everyone involved- can he use his words outside?” The dad looked at me like I was crazy, and for a split second I thought I may have gone too far this time- until the lady next to me leans over and says with relief “Thank you sooo much!” Everyones style is different, I get that- but please discipline your kids in a way that it does not put a damper on me shopping, eating, getting my hair done- whatever!

# 3- When someone says “I don’t mean this in a bad way...” And then say the rudest crap ever. Seriously, the only way you mean it - is in a bad way when you start a sentence out like that. If you want to say it- then say it. Embrace the mean person that you actually are. OR write what you are thinking on Twitter. Use the # sign and then don’t put any spaces between your letters. Then you can say whatever you want and it’s not even rude anymore- in fact, it is a trend. #ithinkyoulookfatinthatskirt   Oh and add a : ) that makes it totally acceptable.

Flu Season

A couple of weeks ago Tonster became ill. He came home from work and slept for like 24 hours straight. As we all know I am super loving, and a natural care giver (crossing my fingers hoping I don’t get struck by lightning at the computer right now) so I was on top of giving meds, soup, and occasional comedic relief.  At one point I even woke him out of a sleep to tell him that I found out who would be the new boss on The Office. I mean- tell me I’m not a great wife!

I was unaware that this sickness would cramp my style and last through the weekend so  Rafi and I wanted to “let Tony rest,” so we were out and about. Upon returning home I checked in on him and asked how he was feeling. He said he was a little better and according to THAT thermometer over there, he was running a very low fever.

I went over to look at THAT thermometer he was referring to, only to find out that it was my basal thermometer. For those of you who don’t know, this is a thermometer to help you track your body temperature for Natural Family Planning... or how we refer to it in my house- getting knocked up.

After laughing at him, well- pointing and laughing, I was so happy to find out I was not the only one in this house who really embarrassing things happen to. I was also relieved to find out he was no longer running a fever, or ovulating. Great news for everyone involved. 

The Crazy Lady Down The Street

I was having such a great time with Rafi and Izzy tonight. Rafi has learned to throw the ball to Izzy and Iz will run and get it and bring it back to her. After they got tired with that Rafi would crawl around and Izzy would chase her and she would just crack up laughing. At dinner,  Rafi was eating her animal crackers and was very good about sharing, "One for me, one for Izzy."

I think it is wonderful that they get along so well. Then I remembered that this didn't just happen overnight. In fact, this all started before Rafi was even born. I was worried about bringing a baby into the house. Izzy is so incredibly spoiled and I was not sure how she would react to the fact that she was not going to be getting all the attention. Plus she is huge and clumsy- not a good combination.

So, one day I decided to do some research about how to get dog ready for baby. One of the recommendations was that you get a baby doll and treat it as if it was your baby. This idea made sense to me for some odd reason so I decided that would be the way to do it. No trainers or classes, that all sounded wayyyy too weird for me.

I went all out with this idea. I would carry the baby around the house and talk to it. (The research said that you talk to babies and dogs the same so Izzy needed to realize I was not always talking to her) I would carry it in a sling so Izzy could get used to not jumping when I had it on. I would even put the doll in the crib that was already set up in the nursery and make Izzy wait outside while the "baby" was in the room.

The one challenge that I knew would be the hardest was the stroller. Izzy was terrified of them. So I had to practice pushing the stroller and walking Izzy. None of this seemed like a problem until my first stroll out. I decided to just push the stroller- no baby. Oooohhh the looks I got from my neighbors. So many sympathy looks like I had some traumatic experience happen to me that I just could not recover from. 

To help myself out, I decided the next time I would put the "baby" in the stroller. I wrapped a blanket around it and headed out, confident that this was a better idea. Up until another stroller was passing by with an ACTUAL baby and the wind blew my blanket off, to reveal my very FAKE baby. I made a mental note not to make eye contact with that mom ever again.

Not to be defeated, my next time out was sure to be a success.
Stroller- check
Baby- Check
Blankets wrapped tight enough to not be blown off by the wind-CHECK

Made a full loop in the neighborhood and was just about home when I decided to check the mail. I received a package with some gifts for Rafi so I just tossed em into the stroller so I could wheel it to the house. Somehow I forgot about my doll that laying there all wrapped up. That was until I looked up to see another neighbor with a look of horror on their face. I tried to explain how I was trying to get the dog acclimated to the new baby coming... and stroller... but, really that just ended up sounding totally insane. I said "have a nice day" and took off back home.

Tonight I was able to enjoy the fruits of my labor. Sure none of my neighbors will talk to me, but there always has to be that "one lady" on every street right?!?

Mooning Monday

Yesterday looked a little something like this...

11:30 AM- Friend and her son over for lunch
2:30 PM- Pick up my 5 year old pal Josh from prek and take him home
4:00 PM- Babies R Us (where I ran into my cousin I had not seen in months and a friend of his I had never met)
5:00 PM-back home to fix dinner and spend a little time with Tonster.

Tony came home around 6:00 and I just so happened to be transferring a load of laundry from the washer to the dryer. We were chatting about our day and I told him about all of the above items. He then very casually says "Hey Hun, did you realize that your pants are completely torn in the back and you can see right through them?"

Obviously I did not believe him. Yet again another joke he is pulling on me to try and make me feel like an idiot. 

But of course I go ahead and check it out myself- sure enough- ripped all the way down one side. My mind immediately went to the lunch I had where I was playing on the floor with Izzy and crawling around with Rafi... Then to strolling down the halls of the preschool to pick up Josh... Then bending over to grab items while shopping at Babies R Us.

I could feel my face turning bright red from embarrassment, and I finally turned around to look at Tony hoping he would say "I'm sure nobody even noticed."  Instead he had his Iphone out to take pictures of my reaction, then lovingly says  "Gosh- I bet you really tramatized some kids today."

I have included a picture of the jeans (once removed) that will now be burned up along with any dignity I once had. 

Beware of Dora The Explorer

My Rafi Cat loves music & television, so naturally she is drawn to Dora The Explorer. I think it is a pretty good show as well because it helps teach me some Spanish words. And if you have read any of my other blogs, you know I need all the help I can get with this.

I decided instead of hoping Dora was on TV at any time of the day, I would just record an episode so I could play it whenever I needed it. So I just so happened to record the Christmas special. In this episode they sing a song about cleaning up. Each time it comes on Rafi starts clapping her hands and dancing to the song.

Since I know she likes this song, I sing it whenever she gets fussy. You know, in the car, at the grocery store, around the house- whenever.  The only thing is, I am not sure exactly  how to say the word clean up. So I just alternate between 2 words I think it might be.

After a couple weeks of singing this, Tony and I are going to bed one night and I say "Hey Hun, how do you say clean up in Spanish?" Is it REcoge or is it..." (I say the exact same word except I start it with an M) 

Suddenly, there is total silence. Since it is dark in the room I start to assume maybe he went to sleep in a matter of 2 seconds. Finally he says "uuhhhh, it is recoge. Why are you asking?" So I tell him "Well, Dora sings this song and I figured the word started with either an R or an M but I wasn't too sure. So I just keep alternating when I sing it to Rafi."

He then says "Do you have any idea what the other word means?!?" I assure him I do not. Until a minute ago I thought it could mean clean up!

He says "Jessica, that is a very vulgar word. It pretty much translates to the "F" word in spanish."

Not to feel like an idiot about the fact that I have been teaching my daughter profanity in spanish at the ripe old age of 7 months, I said "Well, Dora sure is playing it a little risky with that song! I don't know that Rafi will be allowed to watch her anymore!!"

This explains so much about the people looking at me in Walmart as I was singing the "Clean Up Song" trying to calm my unhappy child down....