Authenticity

“There should be a consistency that runs through us all. For Jesus doesn’t change-- yesterday, today, tomorrow, he’s always totally himself.” - Hebrews 13: 8 (MSG)

This scripture. It has turned me into the scene in Zoolander where Derrick is looking in the puddle on the street at his reflection and says “Who am I?”  Is there a consistency that runs through me? Am I the same person behind closed doors that I am in public when people are watching? Who am I really? And is that who God wants me to be?

There are times when I am almost too consistent in who I am. Meaning I have no filter. A good example of this is if I don’t like something or I don’t really love being around someone, I don’t know how to be anything but consistent with my feelings (AKA rude). Most of the time I like to say it’s because I don’t like to be fake, and that is true, but I also like for people to know I don’t like it. It is my safe place and makes me feel like I have some power over a situation. Yes, obviously wrong, and nothing like who Jesus is, but I am just being honest. It is something that I have to constantly work on and occasionally master- but not always. I also don’t think that is the kind of consistency the scripture is referring to. 

Then there are times that I am not being consistent with who I am because I am comparing myself to other people. I went for a playdate at the pool a couple weeks ago with my friend Dana. Dana has 4 kids and has the body of a swimsuit model. I generally feel ok in my full piece swimsuit, (except when it is my speedo, because those were clearly made in hell) but then Dana stands next to me looking like a hottie in her bikini. Suddenly I don’t feel ok. Actually I start to think- If I go on a cigarette and coffee diet for the next 7 weeks I too could look like this. I am neither a smoker or a daily coffee drinker, but I was willing to become one. And it’s not just comparing my body to other people. Sometimes I am with other moms and their kids are behaving so well and I think- WOW! I bet their kids never fight. I bet she never raises her voice. I need to be more like her. My thoughts are immediately interrupted by the sound of Rafi screaming because Beck is pulling her hair out, and I am in full yelling mode.  I can start to strive to be like others who I think have a better marriage, better house, better spiritual life than me. I am sure I am the only one who does this, but just in case I am not, let me tell you- It is really hard to be me, when I am trying to be someone else. 

So how can I truly, consistently be me? I think the first step is embracing the unique and special person that God has made me to be. From my physical appearance to my personality.  He is, after all, the one that gave me my love of nature, food and humor. He set the need for adventure, beauty and laughter into my heart. Those things are good things. And it’s ok to like the things I like, even if someone else doesn’t. I don’t have to be ashamed of that. Even my no filter is a good thing. He made me that way to have strong conversations with people when it is needed. I just have to do it in love and not out of my own human desire to be right.

I also believe that I become a little more me when I pursue the desires that God has placed in my heart. I deeply desire true friendships. I desire to see women’s hearts restored and find true freedom in Jesus.  I truly desire to be the mom that God has called ME to be. Not the mom he has called someone else to be. My kids are also uniquely created for something special in God’s kingdom. If I raise them to be like someone else’s kids, how in the world will they ever be free to be themselves?!? I desire to have a marriage that reflects God’s love to my kids, my family and to people who don’t even know us. The more I chase after those things, the more comfortable I am with letting go of the things God didn’t place in my heart. Like becoming a chain smoking caffein addict. 

And finally, constantly asking God “Who am I?” and listening for the answer. There have been seasons where I have to be heroic. Seasons where he is asking me to be bold. Times where he is asking me to rest or wait or GO! No matter what the answer is, it is always leading me deeper into who Jesus really is and that is what I want more than anything. To find my true self in Him.  

Where are you on this journey? Have you found ways to be consistently like Jesus? If so- please share. I am on a life long mission to be ME!